


Ten Sessions

by seaavery1



Series: Dean in Therapy [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cannon Divergence, Depressed Dean, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 06:28:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4337462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaavery1/pseuds/seaavery1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Mark of Cain is removed, Dean is still dealing with the after effects. Sam and Cas convince him to go to therapy, but can Dean really make it through ten sessions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Session One: Introduction To Therapy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FortLauderTales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FortLauderTales/gifts), [Wisconsennach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wisconsennach/gifts).



> I always dream that one day Dean will get some therapy, but I don't see that ever happening so I decided to write my own version. This is cannon divergent for the end of season ten. No darkness and the mark is removed with little 'overt' consequences. 
> 
> I am planning on posting one chapter per week for each session. This will mainly be focused on Dean, but Cas and Sam play a big part. The tags will be updated and I will be putting lots of trigger warnings. No ships really in this. Will be keeping the focus on the therapy. 
> 
> Thank you to my awesome beta Wisconsennach for always making my words better and for always being so supportive. Thank you to FortLauderTales for encouraging me through this and I am so glad you are finally caught up on SPN! 
> 
> Trigger warning: Brief mention of suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> This chapter will serve as more of a little introduction to Dean's session. 
> 
> I welcome any and all feedback. Thank you for reading! :)
> 
> ETA: Dean does end up having a love interest in later installments

Fucking therapy. Dean still couldn’t believe he let Sammy and Cas talk him into this crap. It had been several weeks since the mark had been removed and they kept saying there were some “after effects.” Dean didn’t see it. Sure, he was still on edge at times and any little thing had the potential to set him off, but he had a right to feel that way, didn’t he? But when Sammy had decided to leave his stupid smoothie in the Impala overnight, causing it to leak on the upholstery, Dean punched the wall, leaving a hole and a shaken Sam yelling at him that he needed to get help.

 

Still, Dean didn’t see the point in coming here. What the fuck was some stupid shrink who had no real knowledge of true pain going to do to help him? But he had promised that he was gonna try and make it up to them, he owed them that much. So, after begging and several lost rounds of ‘rock, paper, scissor’, Dean agreed to go, but for only one session. They had both rolled their eyes at him and tried to talk him into six months. Dean had scoffed and after a long time negotiating, he got them down to ten sessions. Ten.  Fucking.  Sessions.

 

Sam had gleefully pulled out some information for some affordable therapist near the bunker who he had thoroughly checked for any signs of possession and anything else monster related. Sam handed the information to Dean and gave him the phone. He practically groaned when he saw it was a woman. It all made it seem...more vulnerable somehow. Dean just stared down at the phone, and the piece of paper with the number on it.

 

Eventually, Sam offered to call for him, but the therapist wanted to talk to Dean, since he was an adult, after all. Both Sam and Cas gave him words of encouragement and he eventually had to kick them out of his room or this call was never gonna happen.

 

So, now here he was, sitting in some run down lobby waiting for someone who probably got their degree from a Cracker Jack box and wishing he was anywhere else.

 

Dean thumbed through an old _Time_ magazine, without paying attention to what he was reading. He glanced up at the clock on the wall and cursed himself for being early.

 

Five more minutes passed and Dean was about to sneak out the back door, when the office door opened. A petite brunette woman in her forties poked her head out. “Dean Winchester?”

 

 _Fuck, why did he have to use his real name?_ Dean plastered on a smile and stood. “That’s me.”

 

The woman smiled at him and extended her hand. “I’m Laura Fletcher. You can call me Laura.” Dean shook her hand.

 

“Dean.” He rolled his eyes. “But...you already knew that.” he said with a small huff.

 

“Relax, Dean. There’s nothing to be nervous about.” She gave him a reassuring smile.

 _Sure, nothing to be nervous about. Real comforting._ Dean thought.

 

Dean stood there, almost frozen until Laura motioned toward the room behind her. “Shall we?”

 

Dean took a deep breath, glanced at the exit and then took a step forward. Laura shut the door behind him.

 

***

The office was decorated in neutral colors, degrees hanging over a tiny desk. There was an overgrown plant near a corner window and a tattered couch, probably from the seventies, filling most of the room.

 

Dean took a seat on the couch, trying to get comfortable. Laura sat across from him in a black chair. She took out a notebook and clicked a pen.

 

“Before we start, is there anything I can get you drink?”

 

“Whiskey?” Dean smirked.

 

She gave a soft smile. “Water or tea?”

 

Dean shook his head. “I’m fine.”

 

“Okay.” She crossed her legs.”Well, first I’d like to start just with a few basic questions. See what your goals might be.”

 

 _“Goals?”  My goal is to just try and make it through this hour without pulling my hair out._ Dean just smiled and Laura continued.  “So, what brings you here?”

 

Dean swallowed. “I thought this was covered when I called?”

 

She looked down at her notebook. “The only thing you told me was that your brother and best friend wanted you to do this.”

 

He shrugged. “That’s the gist of it.”

 

“Do you want to be here?”

 

“Hell no.” He blurted out and immediately felt a pang of embarrassment.

 

She held her hand up. “It’s okay, most people don’t want to be here.”

 

Dean looked down at the tattered rug, studying the many old stains.

 

She leaned forward. “So, why are you here if you don’t want to be?”

 

“I told you.”

 

“Yeah, but there has to be a reason that you would walk through that door and not run.”

 

Dean started to tug at a thread on the couch. “I...I promised them.”

 

“That still doesn’t answer the question of why.”

 

Dean ran his hand through his hair, exasperated. “I don’t know, okay? I just...I guess I felt like I...I owed it to them.”

 

She wrote something down in her notebook and furrowed her brow. Dean leaned forward. “What are you writing?”

 

She looked up. “Just notes of our sessions.”

 

Dean furrowed his brow. “Why?”

 

“It just helps to know what we need to talk about and where our sessions should go.”  She leaned back. “Does it make you uncomfortable?”

 

 _Yes._ He thought. But dean just shook his head.

 

“I take it this is your first time in therapy?”

 

Dean let out a nervous laugh and glanced at the window. “Yes.”

 

“What would you like to get out of these sessions?”

 

Dean shook his head. “I...I don’t know. I just want them to be over.” He leaned forward. “Your plant, it’s dying.”

 

She furrowed her brow and glanced over at it. “Do you like plants?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t care either way, but just thought some of your patients might.”

 

“Is order important to you, Dean?”

 

Dean leaned back and sighed. “I don’t know. I like things to be in their own place. But I’m not like a freak about it.”

 

“A little order is not a bad thing.”

 

“That’s what I think, but Sammy, he just doesn’t see it that way. Like, he leaves candy wrappers on the floor of my car and thinks it’s no big deal, because ‘it’ll get picked up eventually’.” Dean shakes his head.

 

“Sammy, that’s your brother, right?”

 

“Um...yeah, my younger brother, but only I call him that. His name is Sam.”

 

She furrowed her brow and took a note. Dean wanted to throw that damn notebook out the window. “I’ll make sure to call him Sam.”

 

“Thank you.” Dean glanced at the clock in the corner. The hour was moving slower than molasses.

 

“So, when Sam throws his wrappers on the floor, how does that make you feel?’

 

Dean wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the question, but held back. “How does it make me feel?” She nodded. “I don’t know, annoyed.”

 

“Do you feel disrespected?”

 

“Sam doesn’t disrespect me.”

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

He chewed his bottom lip. “Like I said, I feel annoyed. Annoyed that he doesn’t respect the car. I mean it is almost like a home for us and he just tosses garbage in it like it doesn’t matter.”

 

She looked at him for a second and then started to write more notes. Dean hated notebooks now. Dean leaned forward. “But it’s not his fault, okay. I mean he didn’t really have a...Just don’t write anything bad about my brother.”

 

Laura stopped writing and looked up at Dean. “I’m not.” She leaned forward a bit. “You’re very protective of your brother.”

 

“I practically raised him, so yeah.”

 

“Would you like to talk about that?”

 

“No!” The quickness of his answer shocked Dean.

 

She just nodded. “Okay. We won’t talk about that, for now.” She glanced down at her notebook and then back up. “Now, you mentioned your best friend.”

 

“Yeah, Cas.”

 

“Cas, can I call him that?”

 

He laughed. “Yeah, that’s okay.”

 

“Would you like to talk about him?”

 

“Um...what do you mean?”

 

“Well, how long have you been friends?”

 

“Well, I guess almost seven years now. But we weren’t really friends at first.” Dean looks up, a little smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “I actually thought he was an ass.”

 

“What changed?”

 

Dean shrugged. “He...he changed and he…” Dean looks down at his shoes. “He saved me. Me and my brother.  A few times...”

 

“How did he do that?”

 

Shit, he was talking to much. She shouldn’t know this stuff. “Um...it’s a long story.”

 

“Dean, we have time.”

 

He glanced up at the clock. “Not enough time.”

 

She jotted something down. And then leaned back. “Dean, why do you think Sam and Cas wanted you to come here?”

 

That would take longer to explain then Cas saving him. How could he tell her that it was because he had killed people, been under some stupid mark’s control, that he had turned into a demon and had become something he hated even more than he ever thought possible? How could he tell her that he almost killed both of them and that the thought of that wakes him up at night? How could he tell her that he keeps a gun under his bed just in case he can’t take breathing anymore?

 

Dean had been quiet for almost five minutes, staring at the wall across from him. Laura cleared her throat. “Dean?”

 

He shook his head and looked at her. He swallowed. “I...I don’t know why.”

 

“You don’t know why?”

 

He let out an exasperated breath. “No, okay?”

 

“Well, do you have a theory as to why?”

 

“Do we really have to talk about this right now?”

 

“No. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about.” She crossed her arms. “So, what would you like to talk about?”

 

“Nothing,”

 

“Nothing?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“So, you just want to sit here in silence?” Dean nodded. “Tell you what, we can use the rest of this session to talk about nothing. Then, next week we can try and tackle some more questions. Does that sound good?”

 

Dean nodded.

 

“Do you want something to drink?”

 

“Water, please.”

 

Laura stood and opened a tiny fridge under her desk. She handed Dean a bottle of water and he took a huge drink. They sat in silence and Dean watched the minutes tick by.

 

Every once in awhile Dean would notice Laura making notes, like some expression in his eyes could actually be telling her something. He shifted in his seat and tried to look anywhere but at her.

 

Finally, after what seemed liked hours, Laura clicked her pen closed and let Dean know the session was over. Dean let out a breath he had been holding and jumped up.

 

Laura walked him to the door and told him she would see him next week.

 

Dean gave her a forced smile and practically ran from the office. _There is no way I’m going back there_ , he thought.

 

He ran down the four flight of stairs and practically flew into the Impala. He could feel himself shaking and his blood felt like it was boiling.

 

He banged his hands on the steering wheel and slammed his head back. “Just breathe, dammit. It was just one session. Nothing really happened. You don’t have to go back.” He took a couple of deep breaths and ran his hands through his hair.

 

“I’m good. I’m good.” He repeated the mantra to himself and turned the key in the ignition and peeled out of the parking lot. Yeah, he was good.

  
  
  



	2. Session Two: Shall We Discuss Your Childhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to discuss his dad and his childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my wonderful beta Wisconsennach for all her help and support with this. Thanks to FortLauderTales for supporting me through the emotional process of writing this fic. 
> 
> This chapter will deal a lot with Dean's childhood and grief. It is pretty short, but the chapters will become more intense as they go on. 
> 
> Trigger warning for a brief moment of what could be called self-harm behavior. Grief and some self-loathing dialogue/behavior. 
> 
> I hope that people are enjoying this. I welcome all feed back. Thank you for reading. :)

 

That evening Dean told Cas and Sam that he was not going back and that was final. Sam shook his head and slammed shut the book he had been reading. He told Dean that if he did that he was no longer allowed in the bunker. Dean knew Sam couldn’t possibly mean that, but the look in his eyes scared Dean.

 

Dean tried to look to Cas for support, but Cas just shook his head and said he agreed with Sam and he would make sure Dean didn’t come back. Dean swallowed and stormed to his room, slamming the door behind him. He paced the floor, running his hands through his hair. They meant it. They’d had enough of him and it was about time.  He’d finally pushed them past the point of easy forgiveness.

 

There was a soft knock on his door a few minutes later. Dean was sitting on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest. “Dean?” Sam’s voice was just above a whisper. “Can I come in?”

 

Dean looked over at the door and cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

 

Sam walked in and sat down on the floor next to Dean. “I know you’re angry with Cas and me, but…”

 

Dean leaned his head back. “I’m not angry, Sam. I understand why you guys wouldn’t want me here.”

 

Sam furrowed his brow. “No, Dean, it’s not that at all. We just...you went through hell this past year and we just want you to feel better.”

 

Dean held up his hand. “I caused hell, Sammy, big difference.”

 

Sam shook his head and sat down next to Dean. “You weren’t yourself.”

 

Dean glanced at him. “But I was still in there, Sammy. I saw what my hands did and...there’s no forgiving that.”

 

“I don’t believe that.” Sam placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I have faith in you, Dean. _We_  have faith in you.”

 

Dean gave a small smile. “So, if I continue to go to this therapy, you’ll...I can stay?”

 

Sam smiled. “Yes.”

 

“Okay. It’s just nine more sessions, right?” Sam nodded. Dean looked away. “I can do that. No problem.”

 

***

 

Dean made sure to arrive right on time for his second session, no waiting around watching the clock and hoping it would be over soon. He walked into Laura’s office and took her up on the water this time. He steeled himself for the hour that was about to come and kept repeating to himself that this was for them, not for him.

 

Laura sat down across from him and had that stupid notebook out again. “I’m glad you decided to come back, Dean.”

 

He let out a nervous laugh. “You didn’t think I would?”

 

“Honestly, I wasn’t sure.”

 

Dean picked at some lint on his shirt. “Yeah, well, neither was I.”

 

She clicked her pen open. “Well, I’m glad you did.” He gave a weak smile. “So, I thought we could begin this session by talking a little bit about your past.”

 

Dean swallowed. “My past?”

 

“Yeah, maybe we could start with your childhood.”

 

He shifted in his seat a little bit. “Why...why do you wanna talk about that?”

 

“Just to get a little bit of your history.” She held up a hand. “But Dean, anytime anything gets to be too much we can stop.”

 

He chewed on his bottom lip. “Okay. What do you want to know about my childhood?’

 

She glanced down at her notebook and then looked back up. “ Let’s see, last time you mentioned that you practically raised your little brother, Sam.” Dean nodded. “Where were your parents?”

 

Dean licked his lips and took a long drink of water. “Um...my mom she...she died in a...in a house fire when I was four.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

 

Dean waved his hand. “It’s...anyway, after that my dad, my brother and I kind of traveled the country. And I just...I helped my dad with my brother while he was at work and such.”

 

“You were so young, that must have been very confusing.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking down. “I don’t know. I mean it wasn’t like I was watching him at four, it was later, but my brother was a baby when my mom died and...there wasn’t time to really question anything.”

 

She sighed and leaned forward. “Did you get time to grieve your mother?”

 

Dean looked up at her, brow furrowed. “What do you mean? I cried.”

 

“Did you actually get to say goodbye to your mother?”

 

Dean glanced away. “She was dead. And anyway I was lucky. I got four years of normal with her. Sammy got nothing.”

 

“So, you think that because you got more time with her that that somehow makes your loss less significant?”

 

“Look, Sammy never even got to know our mom. Not really. I had…” Dean looked down and took a deep breath. He looked back up. “I had that cutting the crusts off my sandwiches experience and Sam didn’t. It didn’t seem fair to...to mourn something he never had.” Dean could feel the tears forming in his eyes and he blinked quickly.

 

“Dean, just because you had more time with your mom doesn’t make your grief any less real or important. It just makes it different.”

 

Dean shook his head. “Different?”

 

“You said that after your mother died you, your brother and your father started to travel the country.”

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“So, where would you stay?”

 

“Motels, mostly. Sometimes we would stay with Bobby, he was...he used to hunt with my dad and he was like another father to me.” Dean shook his head. “But mainly motels.”

 

“So, your mother dies and you lose not only her, but your home.” She cocked her head to the side. “You had two deaths that you were mourning, Dean.”

 

“No. It wasn’t like that. My dad...he tried...he was a good man.”

 

She furrowed her brow. “So, your dad passed away too.”

 

Shit. He quickly looked up at the clock. The hour had only just begun. How the fuck was he gonna do this. “Yes. Ten...wow...ten years ago.”

 

“I’m sorry. How did he die?”

 

Dean swallowed. “Um...hunting accident.” Dean shook his head. “Can we...I don’t really want to talk about that.”

 

She nodded. “Okay. Let’s go back to your childhood.”

 

Dean groaned. “Okay.”

 

“You said you would watch your brother while your dad worked.” Dean nodded. “What did your dad do?”

 

He saved people, more people than you could imagine. “He...he sold stuff. Door to door kind of thing.”

 

“Do you consider yourself Sam’s brother or father?”

 

Dean leaned back. “What? I’m his brother, obviously.”

 

“Yes, but you said you practically raised him.”

 

“I just meant I helped my dad, that’s all.” Dean tugged on the hem of his jeans. “My dad was trying real hard to help us and...I wanted to help Sam. I wanted to give him as much of a childhood as I could. So, I helped, that’s what big brothers do.”

 

“Not all big brothers help raise their younger brother.”

 

“Well, I had to. I had to grow up and be a man.”

 

“But you were a child, Dean. That’s a huge weight to put on a child’s shoulders.”

 

Dean held up his hand. “Look, my dad was a good man. He loved us and he did the best he could.”

 

“I’m sure he did.”

 

Dean shook his head and leaned forward. “You have no idea what it was like...the things we saw and…” Dean could feel tears falling, he furiously wiped them away. “I didn’t have time to be a child. I just didn’t.”

 

“How do you feel about that, Dean?”

 

Dean sat back. “I don’t know. It just is.”

 

“Do you feel angry?”

 

“What does it matter? It was ages ago.”

 

“You’re allowed to be angry about it, Dean.”

 

Dean felt his chin tremble. “Fine. Yes. I’m angry.”

 

“What are you angry about?”

 

Dean took a deep breath. “I’m angry that I lost my mom. I’m angry that my brother never got a home and never got to hear her laugh when she would read bedtime stories. I’m angry that he never got to hear her beautiful voice when she sang me to sleep.” Tears were streaming down his face and he wanted to stop, but something in him wouldn’t let him. “I’m angry that my dad never really let her go and that he never truly grieved. I’m angry that my dad drank and took us on the road and never let us stay in one school for longer than a little while. I’m angry that my dad let Sammy be a kid and wanted me to be an adult. I’m angry because…” He started sobbing and tried to steady his breath. “...because I...I never wanted his life. I never wanted to be what he was. I just wanted to...I just wanted to be a stupid kid and I’m angry at myself for hating him and for wanting that.”

 

He shook and stood up. “I shouldn’t have said….  Look lady, I love my dad.”

 

“Dean, it’s okay. Just because you’re angry with him doesn’t mean you don’t love him.”

 

“I can’t do this.” He started pacing.

 

She raised her hand toward Dean. “Dean, I know this is hard, but what you’re doing right now? It’s brave. Very brave.”

 

“It feels cowardly. I should be grateful that I’m alive. I mean, after some of the stuff I’ve done…” Dean shook his head and looked down.

 

Laura stood and moved in front of him. “You were never allowed to grieve, Dean. What you’re doing now is grieving.”

 

Dean stood there for a moment in silence. Head bent. He took a deep breath, shook his head and looked up. “I...I have to go.”

 

“We still have some time.”

 

“I just...I can’t do anymore of this.”  Dean grabbed his jacket of the couch and headed toward the door.

 

He ran out and down the hallway toward the restroom. He went inside and tried to breathe, grateful that the restroom was empty. He tried to stop himself from crying, but the tears just kept coming. He sank to the bathroom floor and slammed his head against the wall. He winced at the pain, but it stopped his tears briefly.

 

He took a couple more breaths and then stood. He splashed cold water on his face and walked out of the restroom.

 

Laura was standing in the hallway. He froze when he saw her. “I wanted to make sure you were okay, Dean.”

 

He looked away. “I’m fine.”

 

“We have just a few minutes, if you want to come in and have some water and we don’t have to talk about this anymore.”

 

He looked at her for a moment. “We can just be silent?”

 

She nodded. “Yes.”

 

Dean swallowed. “Okay.”

 

He followed her back to her office. They spent the rest of the session in relative silence as he drank another bottle of water and tried to stop thinking about his mom or his dad or the grief he never allowed himself to have.

 

When the time was up, Laura walked Dean out into the lobby and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Dean, I know that you don’t think that what you are doing is brave, but it is. You’re taking a big step here and every time you open up it will become easier. I promise.”

 

He gave her a weak smile. “Thank you.” He told he would see her next week and this time he believed it a little bit more.

 

He sat behind the wheel of the Impala for a few minutes, just staring out the window. He glanced up toward the ceiling. “I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry that I turned into this.” He shook his head and started the car. He drove off, letting a few more tears fall before shaking himself out of his grief.

 

“Get it together, Dean. This is the past and you can’t think about it anymore. It’s over.” He looked at his reflection in the mirror and grimaced. He turned up the radio and tried to drown his thoughts in the music.


	3. Session Three: Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean opens up a bit about his thoughts on dreaming and his relationships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, as always, to my amazing beta Wisconsennach, who always knows how to make what I write better and somehow seems to be reading my mind. To FortLauderTales for your amazing support during this emotional journey that this fic has taken me on. 
> 
> Thank you to anyone who has read it or commented or bookmarked it. I hope people are enjoying it. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Brief thoughts of self-harm or could be consider a suicidal thought. Heavy angst, as always. 
> 
> There will brief mentions of Dean's past relationship with Lisa.

 

When Dean returned to the bunker he walked right past Sam and Cas, who were both heavily engrossed in some documentary. They called after him, but he pretended not to hear them and went to his room.

 

He shut the door and locked it behind him. He went over to his bedside and picked up the photo of his mom he kept there. He traced her image and laid back on the bed.

 

It was about an hour later when he heard a soft knock on the door. He had fallen asleep and he shook his head, wiping away a little bit of drool. He cleared his throat and spoke just above a whisper. “Yes.”

 

“Dean?” Came Cas’ voice. “Sam made us...well, really you, dinner.”

 

Dean got up, setting the photo down next to his bed. He opened the door and saw the angel smiling at him. “Sammy cooked?”

 

Cas cocked his head. “Well, he kind of just threw together a salad and ordered a pizza.”

 

Dean nodded. “I’ll be out in a second.”

 

Cas stared at him for a moment. Searching his eyes for something, it made Dean want to run and hide. “Are you okay, Dean?”

 

“I’m just tired.” Dean gave a quick smile.

 

“This...this therapy. I’ve read up on it since Sam suggested it and it sounds…” He furrowed his brow like he was looking for the right word. “Painful.”

 

Dean let out a laugh and sat down at the foot of the bed. Cas walked in and sat in a chair across from him. “Yeah, it’s just...you know it’s really not that bad. Kind of just like going to the bar and talking to the bartender.” Dean lied. It was the hardest fucking thing he’d done and he still had eight more sessions to go.

 

Cas cocked his head again and tried to look Dean in the eye, but Dean ducked his head. He knew Cas would be able to read his lies and probably see how scared shitless he was. “So, pizza sounds good and just tell Sammy that…”

 

Cas leaned forward. “Dean, I’m proud of you.”

 

Dean wanted to cry. How could Cas possibly be proud of him? He shook his head and quickly stood up. “Thanks, Cas.” After a moment Cas finally stood and left, saying he would see him in the kitchen.

 

Dean watched his friend walk away and then collapsed back on the bed. Cas' words were ringing in his ears and Dean felt fear building up in him. Cas was proud of him. How in the hell was that even possible? Cas should hate him. They all should. The fear kept rising in him as he kept replaying those words. What if Dean failed him somehow? What if Cas woke up one day and realized the truth, that Dean was nothing to be proud of. He'd leave for sure and probably take Sammy with him. _  
_

 

Dean tried to shake himself free of the thought and he got up slowly, staring toward his door. He took a deep breath and headed to the kitchen for dinner.

 

***

 

Dean was sitting in Laura’s office, his foot nervously shaking. Laura had to excuse herself for a moment when she got an emergency call about another patient. Dean looked around her office and couldn’t help but smile when he saw that she had trimmed the plant. He glanced up at the clock, five minutes had gone by and he wasn’t sure if he should hope she hurried up or that the phone call took all session.

 

He got up and paced back and forth, glancing at the clock every few seconds. He stopped for a minute in front of the window, looking out and, for a moment, wondering how much damage a four story drop could do. He’d probably dropped from further heights.

 

He glanced over at Laura’s desk and spotted the notebook. He glanced quickly at the door and his hand hovered just inches from the paper. Just then the office door open and Laura came in. Dean jumped back. She looked at him and down at her desk, but either didn’t notice or didn’t want to bring it up.

 

“Sorry that took so long.” She motioned toward the couch and Dean sat down.

 

Dean shrugged. “No worries.”

 

“And you’re my last client of the day, so we can run over to make up for the time.”

 

Shit. He feigned a smile. “Thanks.”

 

“Did you need any water before we start?” Dean shook his head. She smiled and grabbed her notebook, quickly glancing down at it. “ Before we start I’d like to check in with you. See how you are after last week.”

 

Dean shrugged. “I’m fine.”

 

She looked at him skeptically. “Dean, you did a lot of hard work last week and if you need to process any of that then…”

 

Dean shook his head. “No. I’m fine.” He looked down at his hands.

 

She was silent for a moment and then she leaned back. “Okay.” She clicked her pen. “So, is there anything that has come up in the last week that you want to talk about?”

 

Dean glanced toward the window, remembering the words Cas had said. He closed his eyes and shook his head. “No.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I’m sure.” He licked his lip. “I mean I bet you already have something planned, so...ask away.”

 

“Okay. How about we talk relationships?”

 

“Relationships? You mean...like sex?”

 

“Well, yes, but it can also be friendships.”

 

“I...my job doesn’t really allow for too many friendships. And the ones I’ve had well…” Dean felt his feet tapping again. He willed himself to stop. “...I always kind of lost them.”

 

“And what about, Cas? You’ve known him for a long time.” Dean nodded. “Why do you think that one has lasted while the others haven’t?”

 

Dean glanced away for a moment and then looked back. “Cas is...different.”

 

“Different how?”

 

Dean sat back, crossing his arms. “I don’t know...he just…” _He’s an angel. Unlike the rest of my friends, he’s really hard to kill._ “He sees things differently.”

 

“And you think that’s why he’s been in your life for so long?”

 

It was a question Dean hadn’t dared to think about. Cas was just always there, but why? “I think it’s because...we’re kind of all he has, Sammy and I.”

 

“So, he’s lost his family too?”

 

Dean nodded. “Yeah. Sort of. He’s kind of like the black sheep of his family.”

 

“And you and Sam never turned him away.”

 

Dean scoffed. “I wouldn’t say that.” Dean uncrossed his arms. “We haven’t always... _I_ haven’t always been there for him.”

 

“In what way?”

 

“I kicked him out when he had nowhere to go and…” _And I tried to kill him and I didn’t always trust him, even though he almost always seemed to trust me_. “...I wasn’t always kind.”

 

“And yet he still came back? That’s quite a friend you have.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean shook his head and looked away.

 

“What is it, Dean?”

 

“Why would someone...why would he come back after that?” He looked back at her. “I mean if someone, other than Sammy, did what I..." Dean closed his eyes and swallowed.  _Although of course Cas had tried to kill him and almost destroyed Sam,_   _but he was still there for him and still trusted him_. Dean shook his head, trying to clear his racing thoughts. "Cas has made mistakes, but he’s always...forget it.”

 

“Do you think Cas is a better person than you?”

 

“Yes. Of course.” Dean replied without hesitation.

 

“Do you think Cas thinks he’s better than you?”

 

Dean thought about that for a minute.  “I...no. And that’s what I really don’t get.”

 

She leaned forward. “How so?”

 

“Well, Cas is so intuitive about things sometimes and then other times he just….he just blindly sees the goodness. And even after every shitty thing I’ve done he still sees that goodness in me.” Dean tugs on the hem of his shirt “ I just don’t get it, why he would even give a shit about me?”

 

“You said he saved you and your brother’s life, right?”

 

“Yeah, more than once.”

 

“It sounds like he really cares about you and Sam.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean swallowed. “He, uh...he told me the other day that he was proud of me or something.”

 

“How did that make you feel?”

 

“Scared.”

 

“Why did it make you feel scared?”

 

Dean shrugged. “I don’t...I mean how can he be proud of me?” Dean shook his head. “I just...I’d rather he hate me. That’s easier.”

 

“Why is him hating you easier?”

 

“Because then there’s no risk of losing him.” Dean quickly looked away. Wishing he could take that back.

 

“Dean, it sounds like you guys have been to hell and back.”

 

Dean let out a soft, sad laugh. “You don’t know the half of it.”

 

“Well, if he hasn’t left yet, why would you think he suddenly would?”

 

“I don’t know.” Dean looked down at his feet. “Because maybe if he really sees who I am he’ll hate me. They’ll all hate me.”

 

“And who is that?”

 

Dean looked up to the ceiling, staring at the cracks. “I...I don’t know.”

 

“Dean…”

 

“Can we just talk about something else?”

 

She hesitated and Dean worried she wouldn’t drop it, but she nodded. “How about your relationships with women?”

 

“What about them?”

 

“What’s the longest relationship you ever had?”

 

“Um...a year. We lived together.”

 

“What can you tell me about that?”

 

“Lisa? She...she was...is amazing. She has a son and...we just...my job took me away too much and we just drifted.”

 

“Did you love her?”

 

Dean smiles and then glances down. “Yeah. I mean it wasn’t over the moon, but I loved her and Ben.”

 

“Do you miss them?”

 

“Yes. But it’s better that I’m not in their life.”

 

“You seem to think that a lot.”

 

“Well, it’s the truth and before you ask, I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

She shrugged. “Fair enough. So, other than Lisa have you had any other serious relationships with women?”

 

“Well, there was Cassie when I was young, but that was only for a couple of weeks. And I guess that’s pretty much it. I mean I’ve had female friends, but...the rest are pretty much just sex.”

 

“How do you feel about women?”

 

“I like women.” He smiled.

 

“Do you respect women?”

 

“Well, I mean of course.”

 

“Dean, just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean you can’t answer that.”

 

“I mean it. I do. I just don’t show it.”

 

“You mean because you have lots of random sex?”

 

Dean coughed. “Yeah. That.”

 

“Why do you do that?’

 

“I’m a guy.”

 

She shook her head. “Not all guys do that.”

 

“Yeah, but most guys want to.”

 

“Dean.”

 

“Okay, fine. It’s just easier that way. You know, no commitments and no one has to...no one has to get hurt.”

 

“Did it hurt when you and Lisa split up?”

 

“That was my choice. I made that decision.”

 

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I mean she was a family, Dean. She was the thing you lost as a child.”

 

Dean chewed the inside of his cheek. “Yeah, it hurt. It hurt worse than I ever imagined it could. And I’ll never put someone through that again.”

 

“Or yourself.”

 

He let out a breath. “Yeah, or myself.”

 

She smiled and clicked her pen closed. She leaned forward, her arms on her legs and looked at Dean with such purpose that he had to quickly look away.  “Dean, do you want a family someday?”

 

He looked toward the window, not wanting to face this question. “It doesn’t really matter if I do or not. I can’t ever have that so…” He shrugged and looked back toward Laura.

 

She was frowning and had this look of pity that made Dean want to run. “Why don’t you think you could have that?”

 

“Because of my job and my life...it’s just...it’s not safe.” He wished he could take that last word back.

 

“Why isn’t it safe, Dean?”

 

_Because we hunt fucking evil sons of bitches and I’m not going to raise another child in that life_. He rubbed his neck. “When you’re on the road all the time you can run into bad people.”

 

“Dean, did you ever think of doing something else with your life?’

 

He scoffed. “It’s a little too late for that.”

 

“It’s never too late to change and you may not think so, but you’re still young.”

 

“It’s not in the cards for me. This is my life and it’s all I’ve ever known.”

 

She took a breath and seemed to be contemplating her next words. “Okay. Fine. You can’t change it. But imagine if you could. If you could just stop traveling and you could settle down in some city. What would you want to do with your life?”

 

“I...it doesn’t matter because I can’t do it.”

 

“Just humor me.”

 

Dean shut his eyes and tried to quiet the agitation he was feeling. He really didn’t want to think about this crap. What did it matter when he was stuck in this life forever?  But he knew she wouldn’t drop it and maybe this would be the last question of the session. He nodded and opened his eyes. “I’m good with cars.” He clasped his hands together and allowed himself to daydream. “I always thought I’d like to have my own auto shop and also I’d like to rebuild classic cars. They have so much more character than the newer ones.” He smiled. “I’d have a modest two-story house, with a big back yard and a lush green lawn.” He let out a small chuckle. “And I’d even be okay with a dog, maybe a German Shepard. I kind of have a newfound respect for them.”

 

“And are you with somebody in this life?”

 

He nodded. “Yeah.” He could see it clearly now. The house, the job, the grease under his fingernails, the dog and the family. He wanted to shake himself out of this daydream. Stop reaching for something that he could never obtain, but he couldn’t stop it. “I’d have a sexy as hell wife  and two kids; a boy and a girl.” He looked down, smiling at the image of this imaginary family.

 

“That sounds really nice, Dean. It sounds safe and simple.” He nodded. “I don’t see why you couldn’t have that, Dean.”

 

He felt his chin tremble. How do you explain to someone like this that dreams don’t come true for people like him. “I can’t. I just can’t.”

 

“You’re allowed to dream, Dean.”

 

“I gave up dreaming years ago. It’s nothing but a waste of time and energy.” He crossed his arms defensively. “I know what my life is and I know that I’m destined to die young and leave a somewhat good looking corpse. It’s just the way it is.”

 

Dean was surprised by the silence from Laura. He expected her to fight him on that and keep on with her hopeful talk, but instead she just sat there looking at him. Not with pity, but with sorrow. She cleared her throat and finally spoke. “That must be a very painful and lonely way to live.”

 

She had no idea how painful it was. He nodded and looked down at the floor, willing himself not to break.

 

He gave a weak smile, “Yeah, at times it is.”  She jotted something in her notebook and he glanced out the window. Just a little while longer and he could run from here and never look back. 

 

After a moment, Laura looked over at him. "What are you thinking about, Dean?"

 

He sighed and glanced down at the stained carpet. He looked over at the couch, briefly thinking about how many people had sat here before, spilling their guts. "I was just thinking that...I know most of your other patients must be easy. They can dream and try and make that stuff come true. And now you're stuck with me."

 

She furrowed her brow and leaned forward. "Dean, you think you're the only one who comes in here with dreams their scared of or self-hatred? Every single person that has sat where you are was just as scared as you are. Some were even more scared."

 

Dean scoffed. "I doubt that."

 

"Dean, you don't have the monopoly on human suffering."

 

"I know that."

 

"Therapy is one of the hardest things for anyone to do and you know what, most people don't do it, even when they need to. And also, even so called normal people have come in here with a litany of bottled up fears."

 

Dean chewed on his bottom lip. "I guess I just...I don't know how I could possibly dream of something different or better when I'm so..." Dean let the thought trail off and looked away.

 

"When you're so what? Weird? Crazy?"

 

He looked down at the ground. "Yeah."

 

"Dean, you're not crazy or weird. You're in pain and that's completely normal given your experiences."

 

Dean gave a small smile. "So, you really think I have the potential to be...normal?"

 

"I don't think there is such a thing as normal, really. But I do think you have the potential to be happy, Dean. I really do."

 

She smiled at him and he gave her a quick smile back. He leaned back and tried to believe what she said. He tried to imagine a time and place where he could be truly happy. A place where he may actually deserve to be happy. But he wasn't sure if that really existed or could for him. For if Laura really knew who he was she'd probably kick him out and tell him he was sick and deserved nothing but misery. Dean shook his head and pasted on a fake smile for the remainder of the session and tried to let her believe he was worth saving. 

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I will be participating in Gishwhes this year, I will be posting the fourth session later this week since I will probably be crazy busy next week. As always, any feedback is welcome. Thank you again for reading.


	4. Session Four: Coping Mechanisms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean opens up about a painful moment from his past.  
> Important: Please read trigger warnings for this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting the next chapter early because I am doing Gishwhes this year and will be crazy next week. :)
> 
> This chapter was really emotionally draining and I couldn't have made it through without my amazing Beta Wisconsennach and my lovely supporter FortLauderTales. You guys are so awesome and amazing!!! <3
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Detailed discussion about suicide, including a talk about an attempt. Discussion about self-harm behavior. Also, mentions of alcoholism. 
> 
> This is HEAVY angst. Thank you to everyone who has read this and I hope people are enjoying it.

****

Dean was shocked that he was here. After last week’s session he was determined that he would not come back. He knew telling Sam or Cas wouldn’t help, so he decided that he’d just drive past the therapist’s office and go to some stupid movie or have a beer and play some pool. But something inside him made him stop in front of the office and park his car.

 

Both Sam and Cas seemed so much happier lately.  They kept telling him how great he was doing and that they were seeing a real difference. If they actually asked him, Dean would say that he didn’t see it or feel any differently. But he wanted to believe them, so he guessed that’s why he was parked and not driving away. He sat in his car, just listening to Baby purr. He counted to ten in his head and then opened the door.

 

***

 

Dean accepted the water Laura offered and made himself at home. He tried to shake the comfort he was starting to feel from being on that couch; the fading colors and sagging middle welcomed him in a way he didn’t expect.

 

After Laura had done her usual checking in about the last session thing, she smiled and asked him if there was anything that had come up that week that he’d like to talk about. Dean shook his head, but something in her eyes told him that this time she was going to push him. .

 

“Dean, there’s really nothing that has happened that you want to discuss?”

 

“No.” He furrowed his brow. “Why, did you hear something…?”

 

She held her hand up and with a small smile and said “No. Nothing like that.” She cocked her head to the side like she was contemplating something. “Dean, you’ve been doing a lot of hard work these past couple of sessions.”

 

“Thanks?” He was hoping this meant that maybe she was going to say he could take a break from this and just skip the next seven sessions.

 

“How do you cope with your emotions?” Dammit, of course Dean wasn’t that lucky.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What do you do when you’re stressed, for example?”

 

“I don’t know. I guess I drink a beer or sometimes sex.”

 

“And when you’re angry?”

 

“I don’t know, if I don’t have a wall to punch or...” She frowned at Dean’s poor attempt at levity, and he was instantly aware that he needed to be careful with what he said here. “I guess I drink.”

 

She nodded. “And when you’re sad?”

 

He looked away, not wanting to think about that emotion. “I don’t...maybe eat some pie.” He let out a nervous laugh. “Or...or drink.”

 

“And how about when you’re really happy?”

 

He tried to think about the last time that he was even remotely happy. “Sex or pool or drinking.” Fuck. He had a feeling where this was going. He had to figure out a way to stop it.  She had no context. She couldn’t even imagine the things Dean had gone through.  The shit he deals with every single day.

 

“So, you mentioned drinking for basically everything.”

 

“Well, yeah, but I also mentioned pie and sex.” He tried to put on as charming a smile as possible.

 

She wasn’t gonna fall for it. “And you also said punching a wall.”

 

“Look, most people drink when they’re upset or happy or…people drink.”

“Yes, people do. But not everyone uses it as their main coping mechanism.”

 

“I know what you’re trying to say.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Yeah, you’re trying to say I’m a drunk.”

 

“Do you think you’re an alcoholic?”

 

“If I am, I’m a functioning one.” She raised an eyebrow. “No, okay. I’m...I’m not an alcoholic.” Dean said with a small laugh.

 

“Dean, it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you are.”

 

“Well, I’m not so…”

 

“They have programs that…”

 

He could feel the fear rising and he turned it to anger. “I’m not a fucking alcoholic, okay?!”

 

She jumped a little bit in her seat, but tried to hide that. “Okay.”

 

He tried to calm down. “Look, I’m sorry, but I just...I’m not an alcoholic. I just like to drink, but I can handle it.”

 

He could see her trying to choose the right words and felt a pang of guilt for letting out that anger in here. “Can we go back to the punching walls thing?”

 

“I didn’t...I just get angry sometimes, it’s not a big deal.”

 

“Have you ever hurt anyone?”

 

He blinked and swallowed hard. He’d hurt so many, some with his fists and others with words. Hell, he hurt people just by being around them, sharing the same air. And the ones that were unlucky enough to care about him had gotten it all. But he couldn’t open up that can of worms, not to someone who could lock him away. “I’ve gotten into bar fights and I know I’ve probably hurt feelings with words, but...no.”

 

She studied his face and Dean knew she didn’t believe him. He couldn’t blame her, he was lying his ass off. But she didn’t push it. “Have you ever hurt yourself?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Have you ever say cut yourself or hit yourself? Have you ever taken any of your emotions out on yourself in a physical way?”

 

He felt his stomach turn and wanted to crawl out of his skin. What was the best way to answer this? He heard his brain warning him to be quiet, but something else spoke just above a whisper. “Yes.” She didn’t speak, just gave him an encouraging nod. “I...I’ve hit myself before and...pounded my fists into the wall till...till they bled.” _I sold my soul…_ He let out a shaky breath, he’d never said these words out loud before and he felt like he was sitting there naked.

 

She took a quick note, but kept her eyes on him. “Thank you for telling me that. I know it can’t be easy to share.”

 

“Yeah.” He wanted to run. He needed to run, but he felt glued to the seat.

 

“Do you still hit yourself?”

 

Why? Why did he have to start this? “I...no.” He lied. And he knew she knew he was lying.

 

“You don’t have to be afraid to tell me.”

 

He shook his head. “No. I haven’t hurt myself lately.”

 

She nodded. “Okay.” She crossed her legs. “Have you ever thought about killing yourself?”

 

He felt himself go rigid. “I...I mean doesn’t everybody kind of just jokingly say that or...I don’t...um…” He couldn’t seem to find words anymore and he knew he couldn’t tell her about the gun under his pillow or the ripped up note he had written weeks ago.

 

“Yes. People sometimes jokingly say that, but that’s not what I’m asking.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Have you ever been suicidal?”

 

_Been_? He was blinking fast and his heart felt like it was going to fly out of his chest. “I...if I say I have you’ll lock me up, right?”

 

“Dean, if you were to tell me that you plan on hurting yourself or someone else, then yes, I would have to tell someone for your safety. But if it is in the past, then no.”

 

His breathing was becoming ragged and he could feel his hands shaking. His whole life was a death wish, but...this...and yet that stupid little voice that had decided to appear all of a sudden spoke. “Yes...in the past I h...ha...have.”

 

“Can you tell me when?”

 

“I don’t...I don’t think I should...I…”

 

She held out a hand. “We can take a break and you can drink some water and try to steady your breathing. Do you want to do that?”

 

He nodded. “Okay, Dean. We’ll take a break.”

 

“I...I need to go to the restroom.”

 

She looked worried for a moment, like if he left he wouldn’t come back and that may be true. “Okay, Dean. I’ll wait here.”

 

He jumped up and walked quickly to the bathroom. He went into a stall and locked the door. He tried to steady himself and he tried to make his legs move, run or something, but he couldn’t.

 

After a minute he left the stall and stood over the sink. He took a few deep breaths and tried to calm his heart. He tried again to will his legs to run and will that honesty voice inside to stop talking. But instead he washed his hands and ran his fingers through his hair.

 

He nodded to his reflection and headed back to Laura’s office.

 

***

 

Ten minutes had passed and he had drunk a couple of small bottles of water and finally felt his breathing return to normal. “Can we continue, Dean?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Okay.” She glanced down at her notebook. “You said that you have felt suicidal in the past.” He nodded. “Can you tell me anything about those times?”

 

Fuck. He was doing this, opening himself up for this woman. “I never like actually...I mean the closest was...was when my brother left us for college.”

 

“What happened then?”

 

“I...I was stuck with my dad and his obsessions and...I just...I felt like I would never see Sammy again and...I’ve never talked about this, so…”

 

“Dean, all of this stays in this room.”

 

He took a breath. “I...we had a gun...for protection and my dad was out on a...a sales call and…” Dean leaned back. “I...I had just drank some of my dad’s whiskey and I had tried to call Sam, but he didn’t answer. I just felt so...alone and worthless and I didn’t blame Sammy for leaving me. I would’ve left me too if I was as smart as him.” Dean wiped away a stray tear and continued. “Anyway, I...I got a piece of paper and tried to write a note to Sam and to my dad and to my….to my mom even, but I…” His voice started to break. “...I couldn’t find the words. I felt so stupid that I couldn’t even write a fucking suicide note.”

 

He took a sip of water. “So, I just wrote that I was so sorry for...for everything. And I grabbed my...the gun my dad gave me and....” Dean turned his hands over and studied them, feeling like he could see the gun there. “...and I put it in my….my mouth and….fuck...I could taste it….the metal and the coolness and…” He let out a shaky sob. “....something just...something just stopped me and I don’t know what it was, but I...I wish it hadn’t. I wish I had pulled that trigger then. Maybe then Sammy would have had that life that he deserved and Cas...Cas wouldn’t be so lost and hurt. And all the other people I loved would still be here.”

 

“Dean, do you want to die?”

 

“No. I don’t.” And he was amazed at how truthful it felt and maybe it was. “But I wish I did.”

 

“You think the world would be better off if you weren’t alive?”

 

“I know it would.”

 

“Dean. Do you really think that your brother would be happier if you were gone?”

 

“His life would be easier.”

 

“That’s not what I’m asking. ‘Easy’ and ‘happy’ are not the same.”

 

Dean shook his head and wiped at his eyes. “So many other people would be better off.”

 

“Dean, you can’t save everybody. You just can’t. You aren’t responsible for the world’s happiness. You aren’t responsible for Sam’s or Cas’ happiness. You’re responsible for yours.”

 

“But they’ve given so much and...I….I let them down in ways that…”

 

“They love you, Dean. They don’t want you to die.” She leaned forward. “Why do you think they wanted you to come here? If they didn’t want you around, if they didn’t _love_ you, they wouldn’t have cared.”

 

“I wish I could believe that, but I just...it’s too hard.”

 

“I know.” She gave him a small smile. “Dean, you have to find some way to deal with your emotions. Some way that doesn’t eat you up inside.”

 

“I don’t know how.”

 

“We’ll figure it out. We will.”

 

He nodded and wanted so badly to believe her, but he could feel his heart sinking and his walls trying to go up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Session five will be up by August 10th. Thank you again for reading. :)


	5. Session Five: Trust and Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean opens up about trust issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my amazing beta Wisconsennach for her continued input and help with this work. To FortLauderTales for all the emotional support. You two are awesome! 
> 
> Thank you to anyone who has read this so far. I hope everyone is enjoying it. I welcome any feedback. 
> 
> Warning: Brief ands excessive alcohol use

****

Dean had spent the days since his last session in an almost constant drunken stupor. Both Sam and Cas had taken turns making sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit and both had to listen to him bemoan how they would be better off leaving him to die.

 

He’d heard Sam telling Cas that maybe they should get him to a doctor and that maybe they needed to let him go in order for him to heal. The words were more painful than he had anticipated and he was shocked that he didn’t feel relief over them finally giving up on him.

 

He went back to his room and took a pull from his beer and it was like being punched in the gut. He ran to the bathroom and threw up until his stomach was empty. He rinsed his mouth out and looked at himself. He hadn’t showered in days and it showed.

 

Dean quickly stripped and climbed into the shower. He scrubbed every inch of his body and he could swear he smelled the alcohol seeping from his pores. He washed his hair several times. Once he was done cleaning his body, he stood under the spray until his skin resembled a prune.

 

He dressed and went over to his bedside. He opened a drawer and pulled out a bottle of whiskey he kept stored there. He took a deep breath and headed toward the bunker’s kitchen.

 

Cas and Sam were standing at the kitchen counter, both leaning against it. Dean watched them for a moment before clearing his throat. They both jumped a little and glanced over at him. Cas looked at his damp hair and Dean saw the smile in his eyes. “You showered, Dean.”

 

Sam was looking at the bottle of whiskey in his hand and frowning. Dean glanced down at it and nodded. He walked toward the sink, unscrewing the cap as he went. He could feel Sam and Cas’ eyes on him. Dean stopped at the sink and took a shaky breath. He dumped the bottle down the drain and almost cried out as he watched the brown liquid flow away.

 

Dean screwed on the cap and tossed the bottle in the trash. He turned back to face Cas and Sam. They were both staring, mouths slightly ajar. “I...I’m going to stop...at least with the whiskey and I’ll try not to drink to oblivion. Just don’t...please don’t put me away.”

 

Sam swallowed. “Dean, we don’t want to, but you’ve done this before and…”

 

Dean held up his hand. “I know. And you guys don’t owe any more chances; in fact you never owed me one. But please, just let me finish these therapy sessions and then if you still want me gone I’ll go.”

 

Cas looked up at Sam, wanting to see what the younger brother would decide before speaking up. Sam crossed his arms and his eyes were filled with worry and confusion. “Dean, Cas and I...I just don’t know.” Sam glanced over at Cas, question in his eyes.

 

Cas nodded and patted Sam on the shoulder. Cas turned to Dean. “Okay. You complete the sessions and you refrain from getting drunk during that time and...and Sam and I won’t make you go.”

 

Dean gave him a sad smile and turned to Sam. “Sammy?”

 

Dean knew his brother was scared of losing him, but he also knew his brother had some small hope that Dean could be the hero he had built up in his mind. Sam let out a sigh. “Yeah, okay.” Sam held up a finger. “But I swear, Dean, one more bender like this again, and that’s it.”

 

“I know.” Dean gave them both a smile. “Thank you.”

 

Cas smiled warmly at Dean, but Sam just gave him a weak little smile before turning away.

 

***

 

Five sessions. Dean couldn’t believe he had made it this far. There was a small part of him that was proud, but he knew he had messed up so much that that pride would be short lived. He was sitting on that same old couch and doing the little check in with Laura. Only this time she had added the “are you feeling suicidal?” question and Dean figured that wasn’t going to change.

Once the check in was complete, Laura crossed her legs and smiled at Dean. “So, do you have anything you would like to talk about this session? We can start working on coping mechanisms.”

 

Dean really wasn’t ready for that. He knew that someday he would need to choose, but he still felt like a child looking for direction. “No, I kind of don’t want to go there yet. Sorry that I never have an answer.”

 

She shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay to not always have the answer, Dean. .” She took a quick glance down at her notebook before continuing. “You opened up quite a bit last week and I realize that’s probably rare for you.” Dean shrugged. “Dean, do you trust me?”

 

He shook his head and looked down. “Not really, but that doesn’t seem to matter.”

 

“And why is that?”

 

He rubbed his neck and glanced toward the window. “Because once this is done I’ll never see you again so…”

 

“So, I’m safe basically.”

 

He looked at her. “Basically.”

 

She nodded. “So, what do you think would happen if you were to tell Sam or Cas what you told me?”

 

He scoffed. “They’d...they’d probably want to lock me up.”

 

She furrowed her brow. “You think that if you were honest with them they’d send you away?”

 

“I think if I was honest with them they’d want me as far away as possible.”

 

“And you think they’re perfectly fine with the fact that you are essentially lying to them?”

 

“I’m not lying, I’m just not telling them.”

 

“You’re hiding from them and essentially lying about how much pain you’re really in.”

 

He shook his head and leaned back. “I’m protecting them.”

 

“From what, yourself?” He blinked and looked away. “Dean, they already know you’re in pain and need help. Otherwise, there would’ve been no promises made to come here.”

 

“They just want me back to normal or whatever normal is. They need me to be on my game, to take care of business, and I’ve been out of sorts so…” He trailed off and avoided looking at Laura.

 

“I see.” She leaned forward. “So, essentially all you’re good for is being their father figure or their brother. A means to an end.  Not their friend or equal.”

 

He felt agitated and didn’t see the point of continuing with this. “Look, I’m supposed to be the one who looks out for things, you know? I mean yes, Cas has saved us and Sam has come through too, but in the end it’s my job to make sure that...that they don’t die.”

 

“Especially Sam?”

 

Dean nodded. “I owe it to my mom and my dad.”

 

“The weight on your shoulders is more than most could bear.”

 

Dean shrugged. “Well, I guess that’s why I’m here.”

 

She smiled and nodded like she was proud of him for finally getting to the truth of something. “Dean, do you trust them?”

 

“Sam and Cas?” She nodded. “I trust them with my life.” Dean replied with no hesitation. Finally, an easy question.

 

She furrowed her brow. “Then why can’t you tell them the truth?”

 

He ran his fingers through his hair and rolled his eyes. “We already covered this.”

 

“I know, but if you trust them, you should be able to tell them.”

 

“They don’t need to hear that shit. I won’t burden them with it.”

 

“So, you’re a burden?”

 

He let out an exasperated sigh. “Jesus, does everything I say have to lead to some other fucking question?”

 

“Dean, I’m just trying to get to what is going on with you.”

 

He shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He opened them and glared at her. “Okay, fine, I don’t trust them. Happy now?” He let out a shaky breath and glanced away. “To have my back in a fight? Yeah, I can count on them. But to just ‘have my back?’ No. I can’t trust my brother and best friend with that.” He felt a bit of his heart break at saying those words out loud.

 

She shook her head. “Why don’t you trust them? Is it just because you’re worried they’d leave if you revealed yourself?”

 

He was beginning to think this woman was slipping some sort of truth serum in his water. “No. I just...I haven’t forgiven them yet.”

 

“Forgiven them for what?”

 

“For...well, for Sammy not looking for me when...I left for a while and he never looked for me. He just went on and lived his own life like...like he was happy I was gone. Like now that I wasn’t around, he was finally free.” Dean looked down at his hands.

 

“And Cas?”

 

Dean let out a shaky laugh. “I’ve hurt Cas and I know this, but...he lied to me and he tried to...” Dean shook his head and leaned forward. “Before I met Cas, after my dad died, there were only two people in this world I trusted with my life, Sammy and Bobby. And then Cas just...he trusted me in a way that few people have. You know BIG trust. The kind few people get and even fewer people actually deserve. He saw me in a way that no one ever has and then...I know everything he did was because he was confused or thought he was helping, but he broke my trust and I just...I just can’t move past it.” Dean leaned back. “Even though I said I had.”

 

Dean chewed on his bottom lip. “And then recently they both...they both kept something from me and it led to me losing someone very important to me and I...I know it’s not their fault and I know I would’ve done the same thing, but I feel like they...they caused another mistake to be on my hands.” Dean looked down at his hands, almost expecting to see blood.

 

“Who was it that you lost, Dean?”

 

Dean swallowed and let out a shaky breath. “Charlie. She...she was like a sister to me and now she’s…” Dean looked away. “She’s gone. For no reason.”

 

“Dean, what would happen if you were to forgive them for this?”

 

Dean shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. “It would be like telling them it was okay to...to hurt her or to betray me or...hurt me.”

 

“Dean, there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting.”

 

Dean frowned. “What do you mean?”

 

“Just because you forgive someone it doesn’t mean you forget what they did. It doesn’t mean its okay, it just means that you can heal and move forward.”

 

“I don’t know how to do that.”

 

“I know.” She seemed to be thinking of what to say next and Dean had a terrifying thought that she was giving up on him, too. He tried not to feel the sorrow of that. “Dean, do you think they’ve forgiven you for everything you’ve done?”

 

Dean gave it a lot of thought, because he wasn’t sure of the answer to that. He had fucked up so much that forgiveness seemed undeserved. “I think Cas has. In fact I’m pretty positive he has. But I don’t know if Sammy has.”

 

“Have you asked them?”

 

He laughed. “No. I can’t...that’s too…” He shook his head.

 

“What? Too emotional?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

She closed her notebook and uncrossed her legs. “Dean, would you ever want to do a session with them?”

 

His eyes widened. “What!? Are you joking?”

 

She shook her head. “Group therapy. I wouldn’t tell them anything that you have told me, I would just be here to facilitate an honest discussion.”

 

He shook his head and felt his palms get sweaty. “I...uh...I don’t think that’s...”

 

“Dean, we don’t have to do it right away. We have five more sessions after this one. And we could even do them separately. One half with Cas and one with Sam.”

 

He could feel his hands shaking. “You really think they would do that?”

 

“They wanted you to come here, didn’t they?”

 

“Yeah, me, but…”

 

“They wanted you to get help and this would be to help you.”

 

Dean swallowed. “I don’t know.”

 

“Tell you what, you take the week to think about it and maybe even bring it up to them. And if you want to do it you and I can discuss it further next week. Sound good?”

 

Dean felt like he was drowning and he had lost all words, but he nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.”

 

She smiled at him and picked the notebook back up, jotting down some notes. Dean tugged at his shirt and tried to stop his heart from pounding out of his chest. And the only words running through his head were group therapy. Fuck.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will continue to post once a week and on Sundays now. Thank you again for reading!


	6. Session Six: Loss and Setting the Stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean discusses loss and decides whether or not to go through with group therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my lovely beta Wisconsennach for all her help, support and skills. And thanks to FortLauderTales for having my back through this journey. 
> 
> Thank you to anyone who has read so far. I hope people are liking it so far. 
> 
> Triggers: Derogatory language. Suicidal talk. Mentions of past deaths.

****

Group therapy. He couldn’t get those words out of his head. It had been several days since his last therapy appointment and Dean had been trying to forget about that question. He was hoping that maybe if he forgot about it, Laura magically would too. When Sam and Cas asked him how his appointment went, he shrugged and mumbled something about being more open and learning to trust and then went straight to his room.

 

He was lying down in bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying not to think about those two words. But in spite of himself, he started imagining what a session like that might look like. He saw Sammy with his puppy dog eyes saying he forgave Dean for every rotten thing he ever did, but still a glint of anger in his eyes. He then pictured Cas, cocking his head to the side and letting Dean know that all his transgressions were forgiven the moment they happened.  

 

Dean shook his head. He knew all of that would be bullshit. He knew what would really happen if he was truly open and honest, if he let them see how scared shitless he was. They would run for the hills and tell him he was a shithead asshole who deserved every ounce of pain he got. He swallowed and thought maybe that wasn’t fair to them. Sam and Cas, despite any flaws they may have, were at their cores good and loving people or angels. But Dean, he was the fucked up one. He was the one who couldn’t forgive and who couldn’t even follow through on a damn suicide attempt. Dean was the one who had no real backbone or courage. And any mistakes that Cas and Sam ever made, well Dean knew it was all because of him. He failed and so they failed.

 

He curled up on his side and tried to will sleep to come. He tried to will something to overtake the voices in his head and make him feel okay, even for a moment.

 

***

 

Dean was seething. He was sitting in Laura’s office, his jaw clenched, just waiting for the chance to tell her off. He thought therapy was supposed to make you better, not worse.

 

Laura handed him a bottle of water, seemingly oblivious to the anger in Dean’s eyes, and sat down across from him. She took out that fucking notebook and stupid pen, crossed her legs and smiled. She was fucking smiling.

 

Dean shook his head and rolled his eyes. She cleared her throat and spoke. “So, Dean I’m sensing some anger.”

 

He scoffed and bit back a fuck you. “Very perceptive, lady.”

 

“Ah…and that anger is at me.” She nodded her head. “I see, well can you tell me why you are angry with me?”

 

“Unbelievable.” Dean shook his head in shock at how clueless she was. “Let’s see, I came here to get better and all that’s happened is that I’ve gotten angrier and angrier and just had my fucking dirty laundry dragged out into the open.”

 

“So, you thought that coming here would just solve everything?”

 

“You know what, I am so fucking sick of every single thing I say being answered with a question!” He stood and walked toward the window. “I thought you guys sort of had answers.”

 

“Dean, therapy isn’t a cakewalk and isn’t a cure all.” She turned in her chair to face him. “It takes a ton of work and we have only just scratched the surface.”

 

Dean looked away from the window. “Then I quit.”

 

Dean grabbed his jacket and headed toward the door. “Is running easier, Dean?”

 

Oh this fucking bitch. Dean stopped and turned toward her. “I’m not fucking running, I’m just sick of feeling like garbage after every single time I leave this place! And the second I start to feel normal again, it’s time to come back!”

 

“So, I make you feel like garbage?”

 

Dean threw his coat down. “Another fucking question!” Dean started pacing. “You know, the only reason I ever came here was because I thought it would make Cas and Sam happy. I thought it would stop that fucking pity in their eyes every goddamn second of every goddamn day.” Dean stopped a few feet from Laura and pointed at her. “But you know what? It did the exact opposite. Now they seem to have even more pity and they even fucking tip toe around me like...like I’m fucking glass about to break! I’m not some...I just wish that for once they could look at me like...like…” Dean shook his head and ran a hand down his face. He turned away.

 

“Like you were okay? Like you were good enough?”

 

Dean felt his shoulders shaking. “I know I’m not. I know that, but if maybe I could see it in their eyes then...I don’t know. Maybe I could believe it.”

 

Laura stood and walked toward Dean. “Dean, maybe the reason you don’t see it in them is because you don’t see it in yourself.”

 

Dean took a deep breath and stepped back toward the couch. He turned to Laura. “I shouldn’t have gotten so angry, but I just...I’m so sick of this pain inside of me. I feel like I’m dying and no one gives a shit.”

 

Laura reached out a hand and touched his arm. “I know, Dean. We’re gonna try and help you with that, I promise. But it’s not going to be easy, it just can’t be.”

 

Dean shook his head and sat down on the couch. Laura went back to her seat. “Are you ready to start today’s session?”

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

She smiled at him and opened her notebook.

 

***

 

They went through the usual check-in and Dean told her that he wasn’t suicidal, but left out the part about almost wishing he was. And then when she got to her question about if there was anything he wanted to discuss, Dean surprised himself by saying yes.

 

She gave him such a proud smile that Dean felt a slight blush. “So, what is it you’d like to talk about, Dean?”

 

He rubbed his hands on his legs and cleared his throat. “I...I just wanted to know more about...the group therapy thing. How would that work?”

 

She leaned forward. “Well, we would first spend a few minutes checking in and then I would bring in either Sam or Cas or even both, that’s up to you. And then we would talk about whatever felt comfortable.”

 

Dean swallows. “I don’t think I’d want all three of us here.”

 

“Okay, well we can either split up the session or do one session each.”

 

Dean rubbed his neck. “That. I’d like to do the one session a piece thing.”

 

“Okay. Well, the first thing you need to do is discuss it with Sam and Cas. You have to make sure that they are willing to come in.”

 

Dean hadn’t thought about the possibility that they wouldn’t come. But now that’s all he could think about. “So, you think they might not come?”

 

She shook her head. “No, not at all. I just want you to be prepared for that possibility.”

 

“Yeah, okay.” Dean fidgeted in his seat. “How do I...I mean...I just ask them?”

 

“Just tell them what it would mean to you and what your goal is.”

 

“My goal?”  Dean leaned back. “I’m not sure what that is.”

 

“That’s okay. But do you think a big part of it is forgiveness? Both giving and getting?”

 

Dean looked down at his hands. “Yeah. I guess so.”

 

“Okay.” She looked down at her notebook. “So, Dean, who would you like to start with?”

 

Oh, God, he was really gonna do this. “Um...I guess...Cas. Yeah, definitely Cas.”

 

He was worried she would ask why, but he let out a sigh of relief when she smiled and simply jotted something down. “Okay. We’ll start with Cas. And if he wants to come in, do you want to do it next session?”

 

Dean’s heart was beating faster. “Um...sure. If...if he wants to.”

 

“Dean, I truly believe he will.”

 

He smiled, but wasn’t comforted. What if he shot him down? What if they both did?

 

“Okay. So, we have a basic goal, forgiveness and a time. Do you want to talk about anything else as far as the group therapy goes?”

 

“Um...actually...the stuff we’ve already discussed...:”

 

She held up her hand. “That’s between you and me. I won’t reveal anything that you don’t want revealed.”

 

“And will you...will you be kind to them?” She cocked her head. “I just mean I don’t...if they can’t forgive me or if they...you’ve only met me and I know I’m one charming guy, but they...they’re all I have and...nothing that I’ve done or who I am is their fault.”

 

“Dean, this isn’t going to be about blame, I promise. I won’t belittle them or be cruel. And I won’t be cruel to you either.”

 

He nodded. “Okay. Good. Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.” She smiled. “Any other questions?’

 

He shook his head. “Not right now.”

 

“Okay, well is there anything else that you would like to discuss?”

 

Once again he spoke without thinking. “I...I um...I sort of cut back on my drinking.”

 

“You did?” He nodded. “How did that feel?”

 

“Like crap.” He looked down at his scarred hands and saw them shaking. “I did it once before and...there was something else to distract me, but now...I mean I haven’t quit or anything, just cut back on the hard stuff.”

 

“Hey, that’s a big step.” He shrugged. “It is, Dean.”

 

“Well, I knew I had to because...I knew I would lose everything if I didn’t.”

 

“You’ve had a lot of losses in your life.”

 

“Too many.” He shut his eyes for a moment and saw his mom and dad flash before him. Then he saw all the faces of the people who had died because they had the misfortune to know him. There was sweet Joe and Ellen, who sacrificed herself so her daughter wouldn’t die alone. Then Chuck and Adam, his own brother that he didn’t even bother to try and find. And Bobby’s best friend Rufus and...and Bobby. Bobby. His second father who got a bullet in the head because he had been saddled with the job of looking out for two idjits. Kevin had been in “the safest place in the world,” and even that hadn’t saved him. Then Charlie, sweet Charlie who didn’t...who died for him. For his stupid, pathetic self. Charlie who was worth a hundred of him. Whose death sent him over a cliff he was never sure he quite came back from. And so many others.

 

Dean had been quiet for a moment and Laura cleared her throat. “Dean, are you okay?”

 

He shook his head. “I just...I’m just sick of losing people.”

 

“Do you feel alone, Dean?”

 

“I have Cas and Sam.”

 

“I know, but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel lonely.”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t know.” He glanced toward the window. “I do...sometimes I think that if I were to leave or just drive off that they...they would forget me.”

 

“But it sounds like they have always been there.”

 

“Yeah, for the most part.”

 

“Then why would you think they would forget about you?”

 

“Because if there ever came a time when my loss would be okay, that would mean that they didn’t...they didn’t need me for something and they could accept it. They could let me go and be relieved.”

 

“Do you truly believe they love you?”

 

Dean felt that question burn his soul. “I don’t think anyone truly loves me.”

 

“How can you say that?”

 

“Because, like I said before, they don’t really know me. They don’t know the empty shell of a person that is inside here.” He pointed to his head. “I’m just going through the motions and playing the part of Dean Winchester, when inside I feel like I’m dying.”

 

“Dean, when someone has experienced a lot of loss, like you have, and they don’t deal with it, it can eat away at you. It can cause after effects that you don’t see coming.” She sighed. “You could have post-traumatic stress disorder.”

 

Dean furrowed his brow. “Isn’t that just for like vets or something?”

 

“From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you’ve been through your share of battles and it isn’t just vets that suffer. Anyone who has been through a trauma can.”

 

“I don’t know if I have that.”

 

“Maybe not, but I want to leave that as a possibility, okay?”

 

He shrugged. “So, can you tell me about your most recent loss?”

 

Dean tensed up. He didn’t know if he was ready to talk about her. “Charlie?”

 

She nodded. “Who was Charlie?”

 

“She was like a little sister to me.” A wistful little smile played at the corner of his mouth. “We...Sam and I...met her when we were on a job and for some reason she ended up wanting to do what we did. And…” Dean couldn’t tell her she was killed because of…”She was out on a sales call by herself, staying in some creepy motel and this guy…” Dean’s heart started beating faster and his palms were sweaty. “He tried to rob her. She put up a good fight, but…” Dean looked down at his hands. “She...she never should’ve been in our business. She was too special.”

 

“Dean, I thought you blamed Cas and Sam for this loss?” Shit, he had revealed that. “It sounds like it was a horrible crime, but not their fault.”

 

“They...they sent her out on the job and I had told them not to, that it was too dangerous for her to be out on the road by herself. You know, a woman out there...no offense, but…” He was rambling and was grateful when she held up her hand.

 

“It’s okay. I get it. You were protective over her.” Dean nodded. “You’re pretty protective of a lot of people.”

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

“Do you think it’s your job to make sure everyone in your life is safe?”

 

Yeah, it kind of is, but I suck at it. “Yes.”

 

“But you’re not God, Dean. You can’t save everyone from the world.”

 

“You don’t know what...It’s my job to protect them and I fail all the time.”

 

“Dean, your dad gave you that job because he was grieving and turned that into something else.”

 

“It’s not my dad’s fault. Please stop blaming him.” His breathing became ragged.

 

“I’m not. I’m just letting you know that it’s not your job anymore.”

 

“But it is my job. It just is.” He held up his hands. “And...and if I fail that, the one fucking thing I was supposed to do, then who the fuck am I?”

 

“You’re human.”

 

He scoffed. “Well, then I suck at being human.”

 

“Being human isn’t an easy thing. We all fall and we all try and get back up.” He tried not to roll his eyes. “But the important thing is that you are not to blame for everything that has gone wrong in everyone’s life. You are not God, Dean.”

 

“I know that.”

 

“Then stop trying to shoulder the world's problems.” He shook his head and looked away. “Dean, have you ever stopped to grieve your losses?”

 

“I don’t have time to do that.”

 

“Well, maybe you should try and make time.” She leaned forward. “How about you write them a letter?”

 

“What? What good would that do?”

 

“You can tell them goodbye.”

 

“But they’ll never see it.”

 

“That’s not the point, Dean. The point is to let go.”

 

“Well, I’m not a good writer. I’m not smart like Sam.” He clasped his hands together.

 

“That doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be a great writer to do this.”

 

He let out a breath and looked at her. “And what would I do with these letters after I was done?”

 

“Whatever you wanted?”

 

“Letters for the dead?”

 

She smiled. “Something like that.”

 

He ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know.”

 

“You have to try and find some way to make peace with the losses you have suffered or they will continue to eat away at you.”

 

He shook his head. “I can’t make peace with them. That’s like…that’s like saying it’s okay.

 

She shook her head. “No, not at all. It’s just grieving them and letting them go so that you can still live.”

 

“But I…” He clasped his hands together and looked down at the ground. “I just don’t know how to do that when they should be alive and I…” He let his words trail off and he glanced toward the window.

 

“Dean, you may not think people love you, but they do. Your brother and Cas love you.”

 

“I don’t know about that.”

 

“They wanted you to get well. They wanted you to get help. That means a lot.”

 

“And you really think writing letters to…to the dead is gonna somehow help?”

 

“I think it might, yes.”

 

He sighed and looked back at her. “Okay, maybe I’ll try.”

 

“It’s a start.” She smiled and glanced down at her notebook again. “So, you’re going to talk to Sam and Cas about meeting?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, just call me and let me know.”

 

“I will.” Dean glanced down at the floor.

 

“Dean, this is a good thing you’re doing. It’s very brave.”

 

Dean smiled at her and tried to feel that bravery, when everything inside of him felt like it was a lie.

  
  
  
  



	7. Session Seven: Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Dean really open up during a group therapy session with Cas?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, a HUGE thanks to my amazing beta and friend, Wisconsennach, for her help and support throughout this work. And to my friend FortLauderTales whose support and encouragement throughout this has been invaluable. 
> 
> Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this and who has given me amazing feedback. I hope everyone likes it.
> 
> Mild Trigger Warning: Panic Attack and talk of wanting to be dead. Self-loathing.

Agreeing to the group therapy sessions was the easy part, actually following through was hard as hell. Dean had gathered both Sam and Cas in the kitchen and presented them both with a gourmet meal. Well a burger, fries and a salad for Sam. He also presented Cas with so many condiments that he would be sure to find a combo that would make the burger taste like more than just molecules.

 

They both looked at the offering and then back up at Dean with the same worried puppy dog look. Dean would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so damn terrified. “Um, Dean, what is this?” Sam gestured toward the food.

 

Dean gave him a cocky smile. “What, you never seen a burger before, Sammy?”

 

Sam shook his head and Cas looked down at his plate. “I promise, Cas, that those condiments will help or at least I hope they will.” Dean grabbed his own plate and sat down across from them. Neither one started to eat. Dean sighed. “Guys, please, I just wanted to make you dinner, you know, no big deal.” Dean could feel their eyes on him, so he quickly took a big bite and smiled.

 

Sam and Cas glanced at each other and Sam shrugged. They tucked into their food and Cas put a drop of every condiment known to man on his burger and fries.

 

After they had all, including Cas, pretty much devoured their dinner, Dean presented them with dessert. He didn’t make this one, but the bakery in town promised that it was the best damn lemon meringue pie he’d ever have.

 

Dean cut each of them a slice and sat down. Cas and Sam just stared at him. “Come on guys, desert is the best part.” Dean glanced at Cas. “I...not sure what condiment would help with it so...I’m sorry, Cas.”

 

Cas gave him a small, reassuring smile. “It’s okay, Dean.”

 

Sam just kept staring at Dean, making him want to run. “Sammy, I know you’re not as into pie as I am, but-“

 

“What’s going on, Dean?” Sam interrupted.

 

“Nothing, I just wanted to make a nice meal for you guys.”

 

Sam crossed his arms and leaned back. “Cut the crap, Dean. I know when you’re stalling.” Sam shook his head. “You quit, didn’t you?”

 

Dean furrowed his brow. “What?”

 

“Therapy, Dean. You quit and that’s why you made this.” Sam gestured to the pie like it was poison. Dean wanted to crawl out of his skin. Sam had no faith in him and it made Dean feel like a piece of shit.

 

“Sam, I didn’t quit, okay. I just wanted to say thank you.”

 

Sam shook his head. “You’re hiding something.”

 

Cas glanced at Sam and then looked at Dean. “Is he right, Dean? Did you really quit?”

 

Now Cas too. Fuck. He stood up quickly, his chair nearly falling over. “I didn’t fucking quit, okay! Jesus!” Dean ran his hands through his hair. “I promised I wouldn’t and it’s the fucking hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but Goddammit I’m doing it!”

 

Sam stood. “Dean, I’m sorry, it’s just-”

 

“No, Sammy! Stop.  I’m a fuck up. I know that, I do. But I did not fuck this up!” Dean turned away from them.

 

Cas cleared his throat. “Dean, we’re sorry”

 

Dean sniffed and willed himself to turn around again. The look of pity on their faces was enough to make him want to hide. “It’s okay. I deserve it, I know. I get it.”

 

Sam took a step toward him. “No, you don’t. You’re doing amazing work and you keep going. We’re both proud of you.” Sam motioned between Sam and Cas and Cas nodded.

 

Dean leaned against the kitchen counter. “The reason I...it’s silly, but I thought it would be easier to ask after a meal.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “I wanted to know if...if you guys would consider doing a session with me.” Dean looked down at his hands. “My...Laura she thinks it would be good. It would be one session with Cas and me and then one with Sam and me.” He glanced up and looked at them, their mouths were slightly open and Dean couldn’t read their expressions.

 

Dean shook his head and stepped away from the counter. He held up his hand. “Forget it. It’s a stupid idea.”

 

Sam placed a hand on Dean’s arm. “I think it’s a great idea.”

 

Dean searched his eyes for some sort of anger or untruth, but all he saw was... pride. “You mean it?”

 

Sam shook his head. “Of course.”

 

Dean looked over at Cas. Cas’ head was cocked and Dean wasn’t sure if he was confused or overwhelmed. “Cas?”

 

“You want me to be in a session with you?” Dean nodded and Cas’ eyes took on a sheen and Dean thought for sure he would start crying. “I...I’d be honored.”

 

Dean let out a nervous laugh. “Well, I don’t know if it’s really an honor.” He looked down at his feet and felt Cas’ hand circle around his shoulders. Dean looked at him and saw that same look of pride.

 

“It _is_ an honor, Dean.” Cas smiled at him.

 

Dean shook his head and smiled. “Thank you guys now let’s eat this pie and try to stop this from turning into too much of a Lifetime movie.”

 

They laughed and went back to the table. Dean watched them eat the pie. Even Cas took a couple of bites, and Dean felt a moment of peace. Maybe this wouldn’t be as horrible as he thought it would.

 

***

 

Dean and Cas were sitting in the parking lot of Laura’s office. Dean had gone over with Cas that he needed to keep certain things from Laura, like Dean being a hunter and killing monsters and that he couldn’t tell her that Cas was an angel. “She’ll think you’re crazy, Cas and she’ll lock you up.”

 

Cas placed a hand on Dean’s arm. “I know, Dean. We already talked about this. It’ll be fine.”

 

“Yeah, sorry, I just...” Dean swallowed and tried to calm his nerves.

 

Cas placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean, I think we should go in.”

 

Dean shook his head and got out of the car. He took a deep breath and led Cas inside.

 

Laura greeted them both and Cas gave her a firm handshake and warm smile. She told them that she would talk to Dean for a moment and then get Cas. Cas smiled and sat in the waiting room.

 

Laura offered Dean a drink and he gladly took the water. He sat down on the couch and fidgeted with the label on the water bottle. Laura opened up her notebook and looked at him. “How are you doing, Dean?”

 

“I...I’m scared.” He let out a breath.

 

She nodded. “Perfectly natural. Is there anything you want to discuss before we bring in Cas?”

 

He licked his lips. “Um...just I don’t...the stuff about...I know you said you won’t tell him anything I said.” She nodded. “No one knows about the suicidal stuff and I can’t have him...just…”

 

She put her hand up. “Dean, all of that stays between us unless you want to tell him.”

 

He let out a shaky breath and nodded. “Okay.”

 

“Now, when I bring him in here we’ll just treat it like a regular session. Just check in with him for questions and then you can set the pace and Cas can bring stuff up too.” Dean nodded. “And if anything is too much we can talk about that too, okay?’

 

“Yeah.” Dean continued to play with the label on the water.

 

“Are you ready to bring Cas in now?”

 

Dean nodded and Laura smiled and walked out into the lobby. Dean tried to steady his breathing.

 

Laura returned a moment later with Cas. Cas smiled at Dean and Dean gave him a quick smile. He moved over to give Cas more room on the couch. Cas sat down and he placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Its okay, Dean.” Dean nodded and Cas removed his hand, rubbing a small circle on Dean’s back before lowering his hand.

 

“Can I get you some water, Cas?”

 

He shook his head. “No, thank you it...I had a huge bottle of water before we got here.” Dean wanted to laugh, but stopped himself.

 

Laura smiled and crossed her legs. “So, Cas, I don’t know how much Dean told you, but anything that is said in here is private unless it is life threatening.” Cas nodded. “And if anything is too much, you can say so. Dean has the right to not answer something if it makes him uncomfortable and the same goes for you.”

 

“I understand.” Cas smiled.

 

“Great. First, do you have any questions, Cas?”

 

“Um...not right now.”

 

“Okay.” She looked over at Dean. “Do you have any questions, Dean?” Dean shook his head. “Okay. Well, the way I would like to start this is by asking a few questions about your relationship and what you may want to discuss. Dean, would you like to start?”

 

Dean rubbed his hands on his legs. “Um...I....” He looked over at Cas and then quickly looked back at Laura. “Cas and I have been friends for several years now. Um...best friends.” Dean took a deep breath.

 

Cas was staring at Dean, his head cocked in that questioning way. “You consider me your best friend?”

 

Dean looked at Cas and saw the genuine surprise, but the gratefulness as well. “Well, yeah, of course.”

 

Cas shook his head, smiling. Laura looked between them. “Cas, you seem surprised by this.”

 

Cas looked away from Dean. “I am.” Dean looked at him and felt ashamed that Cas could possibly not know this. “I mean, I do know Dean cares for me, but...I don’t know.  I just never realized that he thought of me as his best friend. From what I understand that’s a big deal. I thought it was only reserved for Sam.”

 

Laura looked over at Dean. “Dean, are you surprised that Cas didn’t know he was your best friend?”

 

“Yes.” He turned his body toward Cas. “I’m sorry that you didn’t...I’m not very good at expressing myself, as you know.”

 

Cas smiled. “Thank you, Dean. You don’t have to apologize.”

 

Laura leaned toward Cas. “Cas, do you consider Dean to be your best friend?”

 

“Oh, most definitely.” Cas answered unequivocally, and Dean felt the grin spreading across his face. “He’s my first true friend and yes, I would say best.”

 

“Thanks, Cas.” Cas nodded at him. And Dean thought maybe this session wouldn’t be so painful after all.

 

But that brief thought was soon forgotten when Laura asked her next question. “So, Dean, what do you think the primary issue is in your friendship with Cas?”

 

“Um...I…” Dean looked down at his hands. “I guess….we just had a nice moment here, do I have to…”

 

“This session is supposed to help bring you closer, Dean. Can you try?” Laura said encouragingly.

 

Dean swallowed and looked at Cas. Cas’ eyes were filled with worry and Dean quickly looked away. “Yeah.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to form the words correctly. “I guess...trust. I...I don’t know if I can trust him.”

 

Dean risked a glance at Cas and saw that his mouth was slightly open and that his eyes were watering. Laura spoke up. “Does that surprise you, Cas?”

 

Cas shook his head and looked toward Laura. “Very much so.” He looked at Dean. “If you don’t trust me, why do you entrust so much to me?”

 

Dean looked at him for a moment, not sure how to answer that. “I guess...I do trust you with my life, I know that doesn’t make sense with what I just said, but I do with that and with Sammy. I mean you’ve saved our asses more times than I can count.”

 

Cas furrowed his brow. “Then what do you mean, Dean?”

 

Dean peeled the label off the water bottle. “I don’t trust that you...that you’ll stay.”

 

Cas just looked at him, confusion in his eyes. “Cas, how do you feel about what Dean said?”

 

“I don’t understand it. I always come every time Dean calls and I…” Cas stopped and looked away, crossing his arms. Dean glanced over at him and saw hurt and anger in his face. Fuck, he wished he hadn’t opened his fucking mouth.

 

“Dean, maybe you can tell Cas what you mean when you say that you’re afraid he won’t stay.”

 

“I...maybe I shouldn’t.”

 

Cas looked over at him. “I wish you would, Dean.”

 

Dean wanted to apologize and take it all back, but it was too late for that. He cleared his throat. “I guess, I just...Cas left once and he wouldn’t return...he wouldn’t return my calls. He just vanished and it was during a time when I needed him there and...he basically didn’t trust me, and kept secrets from me. I guess I just keep waiting for that moment to happen again.”

 

Laura looked between them. “Cas, do you know the time Dean is referring to?”

 

Cas nodded. “But I came back and I apologized.”

 

Dean looked at him. “I know, but it still...it still hurts.”

 

Cas shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere and if anything should prove that it’s this last year, Dean.”

 

“I know, but I’m just waiting for you to disappear again.” Dean looked away.

 

“Cas, do you want to tell Dean how you feel knowing this?”

 

“Angry.” Dean looked over at Cas and saw the angelic fury in his eyes.

 

“Can you tell Dean why you’re angry?”

 

“Dean, you….you hurt me this year and I still stayed. You’ve lied to me and you’ve...you’re the one who kicked me out when I had nowhere to go. _You_ did that, I didn’t. And still I _always come when you call._ ”

 

Dean was taken aback for a moment. He didn’t expect this to be brought up. He swallowed. “I know, but I explained that.”

 

“Yes, and I’ve explained the things that I’ve done and yet you still don’t trust me to stay.” Cas crossed his arms.

 

Laura leaned forward. “Cas, do _you_ trust Dean?”

 

Cas wiped his hands on his pants. “I try and for the most part I do, but...after…” _After Dean tried to kill me,_ Dean thought. “After Charlie’s death and how angry he got, I just....I don’t know.”

 

Dean stared at Cas, his anger replaced by sorrow and shame. “How does what Cas said make you feel, Dean?” Dean shook his head and looked at Laura.

 

“It...it makes sense.” Dean could feel Cas’ eyes on him.

 

“Does it shock you?”

 

“Yes, but it shouldn’t.”

 

“Shouldn’t doesn’t matter, how you feel about it does.” Laura said. “How do you feel about it?”

 

“Hurt.” Dean let out a breath and leaned his head back. “Angry. For no reason. He has no reason to trust me after all the times I’ve let him down and how...this last year was rough and I was not nice. I know that. And I did kick him out. So I deserve it.”

 

“But it still makes you angry?” Dean nodded. Laura looked over to Cas. “How does that make you feel, Cas?”

 

Cas was staring at Dean and when Dean risked a glance at him he wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Cas looked utterly lost and it was all Dean’s fault, just like everything else. Cas looked back at Laura. “I feel confused. You say you trust me with your life and then you say you don’t trust me to stay, even though I always come back to you. And then you get angry when I say I don’t trust you. I don’t understand”

 

“Okay, Dean can you tell Cas what it is you’re angry at him for?”

 

Dean shook his head. “I...maybe this was a mistake, you know I mean Cas is a great friend and he doesn’t deserve...I shouldn’t have said anything.” He looked at Cas. “Cas, I understand why you don’t trust me, I deserve it and everything I said I…”

 

Cas crossed his arms. “No, Dean, don’t do that. Don’t just shut down like you always do.”

 

Dean felt his stomach turn. “Cas…”

 

Cas shook his head. “This is why I don’t trust you. You hide everything that matters from me.”

 

Dean knew this was true, but he threw on his hardened shell and scoffed. “I hide things from _you_?” Cas shook his head. “That’s rich.” Dean looked away from him.

 

Laura spoke up. “Dean, maybe you should be honest with Cas and tell him why you’re angry at him.”

 

“I thought I already did that.” Dean shook his head, already regretting what he was about to say. “Okay, fine, you wanna know why I’m angry at you? Why I can’t forgive you?” Cas nodded. “It’s because you lied to me and you...you could have saved her, I know you could’ve. You had your...you were close to where she...why didn’t you stop her? Why didn’t you fucking watch out for her!? Why didn’t you just let me...you should’ve...I asked you to stop me if…You and Sammy just decided that I was worth something and I wasn’t...why did you have to do that? I asked you to stop me…” Trying to find the words that would not get them locked away was harder and harder. “...if I couldn’t do my job anymore, but you just couldn’t and instead she died because she was...she was doing my job!”

 

“And it’s not the first time. You’ve lied to me over and over and hurt Sam and I and...you were supposed to be my friend and you tried to…” Dean shook his head. He thought he had gotten over the times Cas had almost killed him, but the pain was right there and it was about to swallow him whole. “That first time when…when I let you down and I know I did, but you…I wanted to die and you just seemed to not…you…” Dean shook his head, not wanting to talk about that first time. It was too painful and he still didn’t understand it. He quickly turned it back to the most recent time. “And then the other time I know you weren’t yourself and I know you’re too trusting and naive, but dammit, you didn’t trust me! You didn’t choose me! You never choose me!”

 

“Dean, I’ve apologized for what I did and…”

 

“I know, Cas, but it’s like you say it and then you find some other way to betray me.”

 

Cas scoffed. “I betray you? How many times have you lied to _me_ , Dean?”

 

Dean glanced at him. “I know I have, but…”

 

Cas leaned forward. “But nothing. I gave up _everything!_ My family and home and….and _job_ for you and your brother! And what do I get in return? You kick me out. I had nowhere and nothing and you just threw me out like I was...like I was garbage. A burden you couldn’t be troubled with.”

 

“Cas, I had no choice and believe me that was the last thing I wanted to do.”

 

“But you still did it. That’s the thing Dean, you still lie and you still keep everything inside because you’re so scared of...of what? Being alone?” Cas turned his body so he was facing Dean. “Ever since I met you I have known how scared and lost you are, but you hide that and pretend you are this tough guy who can control everything and you can’t. You just can’t, Dean”

 

Dean looked away. “And you hide behind your naiveté to hurt me and others.” Dean tried to get himself to stop talking, but it was too late. “Oh, I know, you always think you’re doing good, but Cas I almost lost my _brother_ because of you and that…” Dean shook his head.

 

“I lost _everything_ , Dean! Everything!”

 

Dean looked at him. “So, what, now we’re just gonna compare whose loss is bigger and the loser has no right to be mad.”

 

“That’s not what I said.”

 

“You poor, poor baby. You lost everything and that just means you can do whatever the fuck you want, right? I mean that’s why you nearly brought down the company, because you gave up everything for a fucked up piece of shit like me that should’ve died years ago!” Dean could feel the pain in every pore, but he masked it with anger. “Well, I’m so fucking sorry that I wasn’t the perfect being you wanted me to be! I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be the man that was worth saving. You should’ve just let me die, Cas. Then everything would’ve been better and you know that’s true.”

 

“No, Dean, I don’t know that. I don’t.”

 

Dean felt his whole body shaking and he looked away. “I’m sorry, Cas. I’m sorry that you ever got stuck with being in charge of me. You never should’ve been burdened with it.” Dean pulled his knees up and started shaking. “I should be dead. I should and you saved me and I spat on you, both you and Sammy. Everything I do is fucked up. I just destroy everything and I’ve...what I did...what I almost did” Dean started rocking back and forth.

 

Laura leaned forward. “Dean, do you want to-”

 

“Look, I know I’m a piece of shit, I know. I deserved to die, Cas. I deserve to die for what I’ve done and I’m nothing.”

 

“Dean, oh God, Dean. If you died, I...Sam and I would...you and Sam are the only friends I’ve ever known. You are my family. My _real_ family. I just wish you would let me in.”

 

Dean was sobbing and he leaned forward. Cas tried to reach out to him, but Dean pulled away. “You shouldn’t touch me, Cas. I’m poison.”

 

Laura spoke up then and Dean had almost forgotten she was there. “Cas, can you give us a moment?”

 

Cas looked at her and then back at Dean. Dean kept rocking back and forth. “Um...I don’t think…”

 

“Cas, I need to speak to Dean privately for a moment. I promise he’ll be okay.”

 

Cas looked at Dean and then back at her. “Um...okay.” He looked at Dean. “I’ll be right outside.” He gave a sad smile and headed out.

 

Once the door closed Laura leaned forward. “Dean, are you okay? Are you thinking about hurting yourself right now?” Dean shook his head. “Can you look at me?”

 

Dean stopped rocking and looked down at the ground. “I’m shit. Why did I do that to Cas? I…”

 

“Dean, you were being honest and so was Cas. This is a hard thing to do.”

 

Dean shook his head. “He didn’t deserve that. I shouldn’t….”

 

“Dean, can you please just tell me if you are thinking of hurting yourself?”

 

Dean looked up at her, confused and not sure what to say. “I...no, okay.”

 

“Dean, I’d like you to close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Can you do that for me?” Dean nodded and closed his eyes. “Okay, now I want you to imagine you are somewhere safe.” Dean searched his mind for that place and knew the answer, _Purgatory_. “Can you tell me where you are?”

 

Dean nodded and left out the parts she wouldn’t understand. “The woods.”

 

“Okay, good. Are you alone?”

 

Dean shook his head and smiled when he saw Benny and Cas in his mind. All three of them fighting together and being pure. Nothing in between them. No second guessing or shades of truth. “Cas and my...my old friend Benny.”

 

“Good. Now I want you to stay in this place for a few minutes. Just breathe and look around.”

 

Dean did as she said. He smelled it and felt the danger that he could actually name and conquer. He was even laughing with Benny and Cas. He felt okay and his breathing started to steady.

 

“When you’re ready, open your eyes again.”

 

Dean let go of his legs, setting his feet down on the floor. After a few more breaths, Dean slowly opened his eyes.

 

“Okay. Do you want some more water?”

 

He nodded and she handed him a bottle of water. He took a drink and put his legs down.

 

Dean looked at the door, suddenly fearing that Cas was no longer on the other side. “Can you...can you bring him back in...I...he shouldn’t be alone. I mean that was hard on him too, right?” Dean motioned to the door. “Just, please.”

 

She nodded. “Okay, I’ll get him.” She left for a moment and returned with Cas. Cas looked down at Dean and took a seat next to him. “Cas, Dean wanted me to make sure you were okay.”

 

Cas frowned at Dean. “I’m worried, Dean.”

 

“I know.” Dean looked at him. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. That I almost...it haunts me every day and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I would do anything to earn your trust again. Anything.”

 

Cas placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean, you're coming here and agreeing to do this, it’s amazing. And I know that I have to earn your trust as well. I know that. Maybe we can work on this together. Maybe we can really, really talk about everything and work our way back to trusting and forgiving.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Dean fell into Cas’ arms and Cas hugged him. “I know, Dean, I know. Me too. Me too.”

 

After a minute they pulled apart and Laura spoke. “This has been a huge step and I hope you two can continue to be open and honest, no matter how much it might hurt.”

 

Cas and Dean nodded to her. “Now, why don’t we close out this session by telling each other something that you like about the person?” Laura motioned to Cas. “Why don’t you go first, Cas?”

 

“Okay.” Cas smiled at Dean. “I like how childlike Dean can be at times. The other day we were all out at some coffee shop and they had one last piece of blueberry pie and Dean’s face just lit up, as if he hadn’t just had pie the night before. And when he ate that pie it was like...it was like watching pure joy.”

 

Dean smiled. “Dean, I know you don’t believe this, but you are the most courageous person I know. Coming here is brave, and so are you, my friend.”

 

Dean wanted so badly to believe him and he tried to let the words fill the emptiness inside. “Thanks, Cas.”

 

“Okay, now Dean. Tell me something you like about Cas.”

 

Dean smiled. “I like how he can see beauty in the mundane. I mean, I’ve long since stopped looking for beauty in this world, but Cas, he can see it in a frickin’ bee. It’s amazing and I wish...I wish I had some of that. It makes me think that maybe this world isn’t as fucked up as I think it is.”

 

Dean looked at him. “And he’s the brave one. More than anyone I know. He gave up everything to be free and that...that takes guts, Cas. I admire you for that.”

 

Dean saw a little blush creep across Cas’ cheeks. “Thank you, Dean.”

 

“That was great you two” She looked at Dean. “Do you need anything else before we close out or do you need to speak privately?”

 

Dean shook his head. “No. I’m fine.”

 

They said their goodbyes to Laura and headed down to the car. Once they sat inside, Cas turned to Dean. “Thank you, Dean, for inviting me to this. I know it isn’t easy and I can tell you’re hurting, but this...this is why you’re brave.”

 

Dean smiled and then shook his head and looked away. “Okay, let’s try not to get too mushy.” Cas laughed and they drove away. Dean knew they had just scratched the surface, but he felt some hope that he and Cas could be okay again. And if they could be okay again, maybe things would work with Sam.


	8. Session Eight: Homework

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will Dean react when it looks like Sam may be trying to get out of their session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, biggest of thanks to my amazing beta Wisconsennach for her help and support with this work. And to FortLauderTales for always having my back through all the emotional moments writing this has brought up. 
> 
> No huge trigger warnings for this. This is a much shorter chapter and I wanted to give Dean a little bit of a break and a bit of a boost here. There is brief talk of self-doubt and hatred. 
> 
> Thank you again for reading and for any feedback.

 

Since their session together Dean and Cas had been having ‘mini talks’ almost daily. Cas would knock on his door and ask Dean if they could have an “honesty session,” as he’d come to call them. Dean would groan, but inside he loved it. He appreciated the fact that Cas was taking the time to really talk to him and to clear the air. There were a couple of times when their talks ended in screaming matches where one or the other would walk out, slamming a door behind them. But for the most part they ended in hugs and a beer.

 

Sam had gotten increasingly busy helping a nearby hunter on a case that seemed to involve a Djinn. He told Dean and Cas that he needed to go help hunt it down, which would mean he and Dean would need to postpone their session together. Sam apologized and said he wished he didn’t have to, but Dean suspected Sam was having second thoughts about the session. He told Sam not to worry about it; he’d be glad to join the hunt. Sam said it wasn’t necessary and that Dean should just relax and attend his session. Sam was avoiding him. He was running, like he did whenever Dean wanted to confront him with something. But Dean shrugged and told him that he should take Cas for back-up. Sam refused even that, saying Cas should stay with Dean.

 

Dean told his brother to be careful and watched him drive off in a truck they had recently ‘borrowed’. So, Dean spent the days in between the sessions having sessions with Cas and trying not to worry about when, or if, Sam would return.

 

***

Dean was sitting in Laura’s office, sipping a coke he’d brought with him. They had finished their usual check-in and Dean apologized again for having to move Sam’s session. “It’s okay, Dean. It gives us a chance to talk about how you’ve been doing since the session with Cas.”

 

Dean looked down, almost bashful. “It’s been good. Cas and I have been talking a lot lately and trying to be as honest as possible.”

 

“That’s good, Dean.” She smiled and glanced down at her notebook. “So, you’re glad that you had the session with Cas?”

 

Dean nodded. “Very.” He laughed.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.  It’s just...I never thought I would be so glad to open myself up like that.”

 

“I’m proud of you, Dean.” He looked away, trying to hide the smile on his face. “I really am and you should be proud too.”

 

He shrugged. “Thanks.”

 

“So, your session with Sam is next week. Anything you want to talk about in regards to that?”

 

He took a sip of his coke and glanced toward the window. “He might not come.”

 

She furrowed her brow. “Why do you think that? I thought he had to reschedule this week because of a work commitment?”

 

Dean nodded and looked at her. “Yeah, but Sam...sometimes Sam does this. He leaves.”

 

“And you’re worried that’s what he’s doing now?”

 

“Pretty much.”

 

“And if Sam stays away and misses this session, how would that feel?”

 

He let out a pained laugh. “Like shit.”

 

“Do you remember when I asked you if you felt like you were a father to Sam?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Dean, do you feel like a father to Sam?”

 

“I thought I already answered that.”

 

“Yes, but I want you to really think about it.”

 

Dean shrugged and glanced away.

 

She crossed her legs. “Okay, how about we try this another way. Do you think Sam thinks of you as more of a big brother or father figure?”

 

“I...I don’t…” Dean let out a shaky breath. “A little of both, I guess. Depending on...depending on what’s happening.”

 

She nodded. “So, imagine if your big brother and, for all intents and purposes, your father, kept falling apart. If he kept looking like he was going to disappear. If the one person who’d kept you alive and protected you all of a sudden needed that protection. What would your first emotion be, Dean?”

 

Dean felt his heart drop a bit and he realized all at once why Sam had left him in Purgatory and why he ran so many times. He let out a shaky breath. “Fear.”

 

She nodded. “Exactly. From what you’ve told me it sounds like Sam looks to you for guidance and for that one thing that parents are supposed to give, unconditional love and protection. Now, I’m not saying that Sam is running right now, but I’m just saying that this could be why.”

 

Dean looked down at his hands. “So, I never should’ve invited him to this then, right?’

 

She shook her head. “No, that’s not what I mean at all. In fact, I think it is the best decision you could’ve made. I’m just trying to get you to see that Sam’s running is not because he doesn’t care about you or need you in his life; it’s _because_ he cares so much about you and _needs_ you in his life.”

 

“As his brother and father?”

 

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you to be better or okay. It just means that he was hurt and scared too.”

 

“I know. I do know that.”

 

“But that doesn’t diminish your pain.”

 

Dean leaned back. “You know, this last year when everything was going to hell, Sammy could’ve run. He could’ve found some normalcy out there and I...I think that would’ve maybe been okay. But you know what he did? He became a _man_. I mean, he’s always been a man, but he became something more. Something stronger, and despite lying to me and hiding things, he never gave up on me.” Dean smiled realizing one simple fact. “In fact, he never really has.”

 

“So, do you think this Sam that you have described is going to run from this?”

 

“I don’t know for sure, but no. I don’t.”

 

“Me either.”

 

He smiled and finished off his coke.

 

***

 

They were about halfway through their session and Dean was feeling something he had yet to feel here: relaxed. He had been telling Laura some humorous stories from his childhood and was feeling like this was okay. Everything he had been sharing was good and healthy.

 

Laura had barely even written in that stupid notebook and it was almost like Dean was sitting here talking to an old friend. But then she opened the book up and glanced down, her brow furrowed and Dean couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness. “Dean, a couple of sessions back we had discussed the possibility of you writing letters to the people you’ve lost.”

 

Jesus, why did she have to ruin it? “Yeah, letters for the dead.”

 

She looked at him, her arm resting on the notebook. “Have you thought anymore about doing that?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Why?”

 

Dean sighed. “We were having such a good conversation.”

 

“I know, but we still have work to do Dean and you only have two more sessions after this one.”

 

Dean chewed on his bottom lip. “I can’t write. I just...I’m not book smart.”

 

“Dean, that doesn’t matter.”

 

Dean looked down at his shoes and wanted to grimace at how dirty they were. He felt a pang of embarrassment and wondered if he had always shown up filthy. “I wouldn’t...I wouldn’t want to disappoint them.”

 

She furrowed her brow and leaned forward. “Why do you think you would disappoint them?”

 

“I have street smarts. I know that. I can talk my way out of trouble at a bar or over a parking ticket. And I can shoot a mean game of pool.” He glanced toward the plant in the corner, the one that Laura had continued to take care of. “But when it comes to the other stuff, the right words or knowing _real_ things, that’s just not me.”

 

“What are real things, Dean?”

 

“You know the answers to questions about the world. Math. Science. History. All that crap.” He shrugged. “I just have a GED.”

 

“And you think that if you wrote these letters they wouldn’t be smart enough or good enough because you feel you lack book smarts?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Dean, these letters, they’re just for you. No one else has to see them, no one. But that doesn’t mean that you should be ashamed because you don’t know things that others do.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t play pool to save my life and I’ve gotten a total of five tickets in my life. And I was so nervous that I could barely even remember my name. You have survival skills. That is not a small thing. And you know what, Dean? You’re not stupid. Not by a long shot. Plus, you are a gifted storyteller. We spent about twenty minutes just discussing pleasant memories of yours and I even forgot for a moment that we were in a session and I’m the therapist.” Dean smiled, feeling a little embarrassed, but proud. “You see, Dean, you don’t need years of school or books to be a good person or to be smart. The man you are is enough.”

 

Dean looked down at his dirty shoes and tried to let her words wash the shame away. “Thank you.”

 

“I’m going to give you a homework assignment.”

 

He looked up at her and cocked an eyebrow. “Homework? Look, okay, I’m smart, I believe you.”

 

She let out a little laugh. “It’s not that kind of homework. I want you to write just one letter to whoever you choose and I want you to bring it with you to our last session.”

 

“But I thought you said I didn’t have to share it.”

 

She shook her head. “You don’t. But if you want to you can share it with me or even just discuss how it made you feel.”

 

“And if I don’t do this I, what, fail therapy?”

 

She let out a soft laugh and leaned forward. “No. There’s no pass or fail here. This is an assignment for you. Will you give it a try?”

 

Dean let out a breath. “Yeah, okay. I’ll try.”

 

“Thank you, Dean.”

 

“You’re welcome.” But he was already worried that he would disappoint her. That he would get home, pull out a sheet of paper and once again lose the ability to write.

 

He had been quiet for a few moments when Laura spoke up. “Dean, what are you thinking about?”

 

“That I might disappoint you.” His voice cracked and he hated how much he had come to rely on this woman, and how much her opinion of him mattered.

 

“Dean, you show up to these sessions every week and I know that it’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever done.” She closed the notebook and set it on her desk. “You know how many people leave after their first session?” He shook his head. “Over half of them. But you have come back each time, even when you tried to leave you still came back. You’re even willing to do group therapy. There are people who have been in therapy for years who refuse to do that.”

 

“Really?”

 

She nodded. “I’m proud of you, Dean.” She smiled. “So, whether or not you write the letter, and I hope you do, know that the work you are doing in here is something that you should be proud of.”

 

“Okay.” He smiled and felt that relaxation from earlier take hold. And he thought that maybe he could just go home, pull out a sheet of paper and write.


	9. Session Nine: Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Dean be able to have an honest and open session with Sam?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, huge thanks to my awesome beta Wisconsennach for her help and support throughout this fic. And thank you, as always, to FortLauderTales for her never ending support. Love you both!
> 
> Trigger warning for talk about a past suicide attempt and addiction. 
> 
> Thank you again for reading and for the lovely feedback I have received. It means the world to me. <3

Sam had returned from hunting the Djinn unscathed and ready to attend their session. Dean felt relief at his eagerness, but also a sense of fear. Sure, Dean’s session with Cas had been a success and they were still having daily “honesty sessions,” but Dean was worried it wouldn’t go as well with Sam. He was worried he would let his brother down somehow and he couldn’t shake his nerves.

 

They were watching the latest _Fast and the Furious_ flick and having a couple beers, tomorrow was their session and Dean couldn’t tamp down the dread inside. Sam stood, empty beer bottle in hand and looked down at Dean’s empty bottle. “Want another?”

 

Dean nodded. “Sure.”

 

Sam took the bottle and then stopped. “Wait, maybe I...forget it.” He turned to walk toward the kitchen.

 

Dean looked over his shoulder. “Maybe you what?”

 

Sam sighed and turned back toward Dean. “I mean I know you haven’t “quit” quit, but maybe I shouldn’t...I just don’t know if I should encourage your…”

 

His initial reaction was anger at being treated like an infant who didn’t know his own limit, but Dean could sense how uncomfortable Sam was and he wanted to put his brother at ease. “You know what, bring me a coffee. Maybe decaf.” Dean saw the relief wash over his brother and Sam smiled and headed to the kitchen. Dean turned his attention back to the TV and grabbed a handful of popcorn.

 

Sam returned from the kitchen a few minutes later, two coffee cups in hand and sat down. Dean smiled at him as he took his cup and they finished watching the movie.

 

When it was over Sam turned off the TV and turned to Dean. “Dean, I want you to know that no matter what happens tomorrow, I’m so damn proud of you.”

 

Dean smiled and tried to fight the tears that were trying to come. He playfully chucked Sam on the arm and shook his head. “Let’s save that stuff for therapy.”

 

Sam let out a soft laugh and shook his head. Dean felt like everything was going to be fine and it scared him shitless.

 

***

 

Dean was tapping his fingers on the steering wheel and waiting for the light in front of them to turn green. Sam was sitting next to him and Dean could feel his eyes on him. “Dean, it’s gonna be okay.”

 

Dean shook his head and looked over at Sam. “What? Oh...I know. It’s just this damn light.” He let out a nervous laugh and tried to stop his fingers from moving.

 

The light finally turned green and Dean drove through maybe a little too fast. They pulled into the parking lot and Dean swallowed. “You know, Sammy, if you change your mind and you don’t…”

 

Sam rolled his eyes, opened his door and looked at Dean. “Come on, let’s go.”

 

Dean let out a breath. “Yeah, okay.”

 

Laura greeted them and Sam gave her a handshake, apologizing for having cancelled last week. She told him not to worry about it and that she would speak to Dean for a few minutes and come out to get him when they were ready. Sam smiled and nodded at Dean, taking a seat in the lobby and grabbing a magazine. Dean tried to breathe as he went into Laura’s office.

 

She closed the door behind them and Dean took a seat, making sure to leave room for when Sam returned. She handed him a water and he downed most of the bottle in one swallow. She sat down, watching him and she opened her notebook. “How are you doing, Dean?”

 

He let out a shaky breath. “I’m scared shitless.”

 

“That’s understandable.”

 

“Yeah.” He downed the rest of the water and took her up on the offer of another bottle.

 

“Are you glad he came back?”

 

He nodded, because despite his nerves and the fact that his foot wouldn’t stop moving, he really was happy that Sam had decided to come with him.

 

“Is there anything you’d like to discuss before I bring Sam in?”

 

“I...um...I know you won’t mention anything that we’ve talked about unless I do. I just...my brother is...I don’t know what I’m saying.” He let out a nervous laugh.

 

“Don’t worry, Dean, I’ll make sure nothing we discussed comes up unless you bring it up. And Dean, I won’t be unkind to him.”

 

Dean nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.” She smiled. “Anything else you want to discuss?”

 

Dean shook his head. “No. Um...you can bring him in.”

 

She nodded and left to get Sam.

 

After a minute Laura and Sam returned. He took a seat next to Dean and gave him a pat on the shoulder. Dean smiled as Laura offered Sam a bottle of water.

 

Laura proceeded to give Sam the same intro she had given Cas and Sam listened intently. Dean couldn’t help but feel joy at how seriously Sam seemed to be taking this. Laura asked Sam if he had any questions and Dean was nervous when he said yes.

 

“Go ahead, Sam.”

 

“I just...I want to make sure that Dean knows that he can…” Sam looked over at Dean. “You can tell me anything, no matter how much you think it might hurt, okay?  We’ve made it through a lot of shit; we can make it through this.”

 

Dean was overwhelmed. “Okay.”

 

“Good.” Sam smiled at Dean and turned back to Laura. “I think that’s it.”

 

Laura smiled and turned to Dean. She asked him if he had any questions and he just shook his head. “Okay, great. Well, I would like to start this session out by asking if you both could talk a little bit about your relationship growing up.”

 

Dean motioned to Sam to go first and Sam put his hands on his legs. “It was good, for the most part. I mean he did tease me a lot, that’s what older brothers do. But...but he was my protector and he kind of taught me a lot about the world.” Dean smiled.

 

“Dean, would you agree with Sam’s assessment?”

 

Dean nodded. “Yeah. I mean we gave each other a hard time, but for the most part I think we got along well.”

 

“Sam, you mentioned that Dean was your protector.” Sam nodded. “What about your father? Was he also your protector?” Dean felt his heart beat faster. He really didn’t want Sam to have to deal with the dad questions. Dean berated himself for not telling her that was off limits.

 

Sam let out a sigh. “Look, my dad was my protector as well, but there were times when he wasn’t there and Dean…” Sam glanced at Dean. “Dean _always_ was.”

 

Dean smiled at Sam. Laura looked over at Dean. “How did that make you feel, Dean, being Sam’s protector?”

 

Shit, he didn’t want to go down this road. He wished they could just talk about Dean almost killing Sam. For some reason that seemed easier. “It felt fine.”

 

Sam looked at Dean. “Dean, remember you can tell me anything.”

 

Dean sighed and leaned his head back. “Fine, it wasn’t always easy, okay? I mean I was just a kid, too, ya know? I just wanted to go out and play and get into trouble. That wasn’t always easy to do when I was rais…” Shit. Shit. Shit. He didn’t mean that. He shook his head.

 

Sam furrowed his brow. “Dean, what were you about to say?”

 

“It’s nothing okay, Sammy.” He turned to Laura. “Yes, of course there were times when I didn’t like it, I was a kid, but none of that is Sam’s fault.

“No one said it was, Dean.” Laura leaned toward Dean. “You were about to say you were raising Sam, right?”

 

Fuck. He’d screwed this up. Sam didn’t need to hear this shit. He opened his mouth to speak, but Sam spoke instead. “Dean did help raise me. He was like a second father to me sometimes.”

 

Dean just stared at Sam, shocked. Sam looked at him and smiled. “I know, Dean. I know you basically raised me. How could I not?”

 

“Sammy, I’m sorry that…” Sam held up his hand.

 

“Dean, you don’t have to apologize.”

 

Laura looked between them. “How would you two describe your relationship now? How about you start Dean?”

 

Dean sighed and rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans. “It’s….it’s good. I mean we had a rough year, a _really_ rough year, but I still think it’s pretty good.” Dean glanced at Sam and saw the frown on his face.

 

Laura saw it too. “Sam, would you agree with that?”

 

“No.” Sam shook his head and looked at Laura. “I mean we’re better now than we were a year ago, but no, I don’t think our relationship is okay.”

 

Dean looked down at his hands and he knew Sam was right. He was just hoping they could avoid this for a little while longer. “Okay, then what do you think the problems are in your relationship, Sam?”

 

Sam sighed, his shoulders slumped. “We constantly lie to each other. We’re always keeping secrets for fear that...I don’t even entirely know why anymore, but it’s just sort of become this habit.”

 

Dean just stared at Sam. He knew of course that Sam was right, but the anger in the words still stung. Sam glanced at Dean. “Come on, Dean, you know that’s the truth.”

 

Dean looked down at his hands and nodded. Laura looked over at him. “Dean, so you agree with that then?”

 

“I…” Dean chanced a glance at Sam and saw the pleading look in his eyes. He shook his head and looked toward the window. “Yeah, I know it’s true.”

 

“Dean, why did you say that your relationship with Sam was good right now?”

 

Dean shrugged and continued to look out the window. “I don’t know. I guess I just hoped that...that somehow by me coming here our relationship was better. It’s stupid.” Dean looked down at his hands, they were shaking and he willed them to stop.

 

Sam cleared his throat. “Dean, it’s not stupid, but you had to know we have a long way to go after this past year. Yes, you coming here is huge and you have no idea how proud I am of you, but that doesn’t erase the past, for either of us.”

 

“We’re still not ‘good’.” Dean continued to look down, too cowardly to look at Sam.

 

“Dean, we’ve...we need to start trying to be honest with each other. We need to face the fact that we have made _so many_ mistakes that...that we’ve lost sight of what it means to be brothers.”

 

Dean glanced at Sam and frowned. “I don’t know what that...we’re still brothers.”

 

“I know, Dean, but do you trust me? I mean do you really trust me?”

 

Dean looked away. He didn’t know if he could answer this yet. Laura looked at him and then back at Sam. “Sam, do you trust your brother?”

 

Sam let out a sigh and Dean could feel the pity without even looking. “No.” Dean knew it was coming, but the sound of the word was like a punch to the gut and he felt like he was going to puke. Dean turned his body slightly away from Sam as Sam continued talking. “I mean, I trust Dean to protect me, even after this last year, I _know_ that my life is safe with him. But I don’t trust him to be honest with me. I don’t trust him to tell me when he is really hurting or how pissed he really is at me. I mean, yes, Dean can do anger, but he never really tells me the depths of it. Sometimes his need to protect me keeps him from telling me what is really going on, and at my age, it pisses me off to be left in the dark.”

 

Dean snapped his head up. “Sammy, you couldn’t…that shit inside me. The things that I have done throughout my life... you can’t handle that. You shouldn’t have to.”

 

“Dammit, Dean, I’m an adult and I love you and I want to know. I _deserve_ to know.”

 

Dean shook his head and clenched his jaw. “You mean like I know everything that goes on with you?”

 

Sam nodded. “You’re right, Dean, I’m not completely honest with you either.”

 

Laura looked at Dean. “Dean, do you trust Sam?”

 

Dean swallowed. “I trust Sam to help me in any kind of battle; I do, especially after this year. But I don’t trust him to stay. I don’t trust that if I tell him everything that he’ll...that he’ll even want to stay.”

 

Sam furrowed his brow. “Dean the times that I left, I...look I know you felt like I’ve abandoned you before, but how can you think that I would leave now? Especially after the crap we went through this year?”

 

“I don’t know, Sammy, I just do.”

 

Sam threw up his hands. “Come on, Dean, you have to have a reason.”

 

“No, Sam, I don’t. There are some things that I just don’t have answers for, okay?!”

 

“That’s bullshit. This is _exactly what I’m talking about._ ” Sam crossed his arms. He looked at Laura. “Does he do this in here? Shut down like this? I bet he does, because that’s what Dean does best.”

 

Dean felt the pain of Sam’s words in his veins and before Laura could speak he jumped up. “Fuck you, Sammy! You know what, there have been times I have _tried_ to be honest with you. Tried to open up to you and you...you just walk out that fucking door.”

 

“What are you talking about Dean?”

 

“After dad died and...and I told you what dad told me right before he died, remember?”

 

“Dean, I left because...because I couldn’t handle the significance of that. It wasn’t because you were being honest with me.”

 

Dean crossed his arms and looked up at the ceiling. “Yeah and how do you think I was handling it? How do you think it felt to have that...that _weight_ on my fucking shoulders while I was trying to deal with the death of our father? I needed you to help me too. I needed us to be a family. That is all I have _ever_ needed.” Dean sat back down on the couch and turned toward the window.

 

“And Dean, all I have ever needed was for you to be my brother and to stop treating me like I was a child.”

 

“Yeah, well sometimes you act like a fucking child.”

 

Sam shook his head and grabbed Dean’s arm forcing him to look at him. “And why the fuck do you think that is!? Huh? Could it maybe be because you treat me like a goddamn fragile little bird all the damn time? You’re never completely honest with me because you’re afraid that what, I might be using my adult brain and get angry at you and leave you, is that why?”

 

Dean pulled his arm away. “Whatever.”

 

Sam grabbed his arm again. “No, Dean, you’re not gonna just ‘whatever’ your way out of this. You’re so scared of being without me that you shut me out of everything. I’m not a child and in case you haven’t noticed, I gave up the thought of having a so-called “normal life” a long time ago. This...” Sam gestured between them. “...our family business, it’s my life now and you know what, I actually fucking like it.”

 

Dean furrowed his brow. “You do?”

 

“Yes, dammit, that’s why I’m still here and that’s why I always come back. Dean, it’s you that doesn’t like it. I know it.”

 

“That’s not…” Dean shook his head, letting the thought fade.

 

Sam softened his voice. “Dean, please be honest with me. Please tell me how you really feel. Do you like our life?”

 

Dean felt his voice crack and his shoulders shake. “No, Sammy, I think it’s slowly killing me.”

 

Sam placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

 

Dean shook his head. “You don’t have to...I just...I know it’s my life and it always will be, but I hurt so many people and was hurt by so many that I feel…” He pointed to his chest. “I feel hollow inside.”

 

“And I made that worse?”

 

Dean shook his head and closed his eyes. “Sammy, it’s not that you made it worse, okay? It’s just that...my whole life I have only been sure of one thing and that was that I was supposed to protect you from everything. From pain, from the world and from yourself. That was all I was good for; I was a tool to keep you safe. I failed so many times that it just...I don’t even know how to do it anymore, Sammy. And if I can’t even do that then what is the point of my being here?”

 

“Dean, you _never_ failed that part of your job, you just lost sight of yourself and the bigger picture. And it never should’ve been your job in the first place.”

 

“Then why did you leave?”

 

“What? Do you mean after dad…”

 

Dean turned to face Sam. “No. Why did you leave us and go to school?”

 

Sam furrowed his brow and stared at Dean for a moment. “Dean, we already talked about this. I wanted to try and have a normal life. I needed to get away from dad.”

 

Dean looked down at his hands. “And me.”

 

Sam bit his bottom lip and frowned. “Yes, but not in the way you think, Dean. I just...I needed freedom. I needed to explore other ways of living. I needed to get away.”

 

“Dad was always proud of you for doing that, you know?” Sam shook his head at Dean. “He was. I would hear him brag about you when he didn’t know I was listening. Of course he was too pig headed to ever tell you that, but he was. And I was too, Sammy. I should’ve told you that and I never should’ve taken you away from that.” Dean looked at Sam. “And I’m so sorry for that.”

 

“Dean, you didn’t force me, okay? It was what I wanted. I don’t blame you for that.”

 

Dean kept talking, ignoring what Sam had said. “I just, I couldn’t take it anymore, Sammy. I couldn’t take being the second choice for dad. His look of pride at me shooting a gun, but never wanting to talk to me. I was so fucking alone and scared shitless. I just...I wanted to….” Shit. Shit. Shit. Dean knew what he was about to do and he tried to strangle the words from his throat before they could escape, but it was too late. “I wanted to die, Sammy.”

 

“What?”

 

Dean looked away and shook his head. “I couldn’t do it anymore and dad was drinking more and he kept working and ignoring me and I just...I know it’s selfish, I do, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I tried, I really did, but I couldn’t even write a proper note, that’s how fucked up I am.” Dean felt Sam’s hand on his shoulder. “I tried to. I had that fucking gun in my mouth and I tried to, but I...I just couldn’t” Dean started crying. “I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m so sorry.” Dean started sobbing and Sam put his arms around him.

 

“Dean, don’t apologize. I’m so sorry you were so hurt. I didn’t know.” Sam started crying. “Dean, I would never want you to die. Please know that.”

 

They pulled apart and Dean scooted over, embarrassed. “I’m sorry that I told you all that. I…”

 

“Dean, thank you for telling me that.” Sam swallowed. “Do you...do you still feel like that? I mean, do you still want to kill yourself?”

 

Dean shook his head, not wanting to go into all the details. “No. Not right now, but….there was a time after...after this year when I thought...but I don’t, okay?” Dean gave a quick glance toward Laura. She was taking notes, but glanced at him.

 

“If you ever do, Dean, please promise that you’ll tell me.”

 

Dean nodded. “I promise.”

 

Sam smiled at him and gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. “Dean, I’m _proud_ to be your brother.”

 

Dean couldn’t help the smile that came. “Thank you. I am too.”

 

Laura looked at Dean. “Dean, that was very brave to share that with your brother.” He smiled. “I just want to quickly check in with both of you and see if you guys are okay or need a break or anything.”

 

Dean and Sam looked at each other and then back at her. They shook their heads. “Okay, well is there anything else either of you would like to bring up before we start to close the session?”

 

Dean glanced at Sam and Sam shook his head. Laura glanced at Dean, “Dean?”

 

Dean continued to look at Sam and Sam’s smile turned into a frown. “What?”

 

Dean sighed, cleared his throat. “I…I need to hear it from you. I need to know why…why you didn’t look for me when I was gone that year.”

 

Sam’s mouth opened and then he shut it quickly. He crossed his arms. “We...we promised each other that we would live our own lives and-“

 

“But we always broke that promise. Or at least I always did.”

 

Sam’s eyes started blinking rapidly. “Um…I…I thought we…” Sam looked down at his hands.

 

Laura leaned forward. “Sam, why is it so hard for you to talk to your brother about this?”

 

“Because it’s in the past and we already...” Sam rubbed the back of his neck. “I was living with someone and I had…I know I hurt Dean. I know. I just…I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” Sam leaned back, avoiding looking at Dean.

 

“We talked about this, last week in here.” Dean shocked himself by bringing up a past session. “And we thought it might have been because you were scared or something and I…I just need to hear it from you that…that was why and it wasn’t because you were glad that I…” Dean trailed off and looked down at his feet.

 

Sam looked at him. “Dean, I wasn’t glad you were gone. I really wasn’t. I…I was so alone. I had never been so alone and I had no idea what to do. It was like I forgot how to breathe. How to live. I was so used to having you or Bobby or Cas or anyone else really to be there with me. To talk me through what I was supposed to do next and I had no one.”

 

“But you didn’t even try to find me. If you were so alone and scared, why didn’t you try?”

 

Sam swallowed. “Because I was scared to try.”

 

Dean furrowed his brow. “Why the hell were you scared?”

 

“Because the last time I tried to…tried to find you I…” Sam glanced at Laura. “I don’t know if Dean told you, but I was an addict for a while.”

 

“Dean didn’t tell me.”

 

“Well, the last time I lost Dean briefly um…I became an addict and I was worried that…that I would fall down that hole and…” Sam looked at Dean. “And disappoint you. So it was easier to pretend you were dead and that way you would be out there proud of me.”

 

“Sammy.”

 

Sam shook his head. “It was wrong and I will always regret it. And if you had never returned I don’t know what I would’ve done. I wasn’t glad that you were gone, Dean. I was terrified and I just always want you to be proud of me.”

 

“Oh, Sam, I am proud of you. I am.”

 

“Dean I need you to know something.” Sam turned in his seat so he was facing Dean. Dean could feel the nerves as he waited for Sam to continue. “I don’t need you in my life because you always protect me or because you’re like my dad at times, okay. I mean I know I can take advantage of that and forget that you…sometimes you need the saving. I need you in my life because you’re my best friend, Dean. You drive me crazy, yes, but you are my best friend and you always will be. It will always be us against the world and I need you to know that. I need you to know that you are not broken.”

 

Dean knew he was crying, but he just didn’t care. “Thank you, Sammy. Thank you.”

 

Sam smiled at him and Dean patted him on the shoulder.

 

After a moment Laura spoke up. “Well, we are coming toward the end of the hour. Are you both okay?” They both nodded. “Okay, well this was a great start for both of you.” She closed her notebook and leaned forward. “I’d like to close out with both of you telling the other something you admire about them. Sam, why don’t you start?”

 

Sam wiped his hands on his jeans and leaned back. “Okay, well I admire your strength and your perseverance. I know you may not see that in yourself, Dean, but it’s there. Coming here for what, nine weeks now, I mean I don’t know if I could do it. You had to grow up way too fast and you had so much shouldered on you. Most people would’ve crumbled, but somehow you survived. You’re my hero, Dean. You are. And you always make me laugh, even when you’re annoying me or picking on me. Thank you for always being the best brother I could ask for. I love you, Dean.”

 

Dean smiled and tried to hide his embarrassment, but he knew there was no use. He gave Sam a pat on the shoulder. “Thank you, Sammy.” Sam smiled at him.

 

“Now you, Dean.” Laura gestured toward him.

 

Dean nodded. “I admire your smarts and I don’t just mean book smarts. You can connect with people so easily, in a way I just can’t. I know I give you a hard time sometimes for being all ‘chick flick’ and such, but I envy the comfort you have with emotions. It takes guts and I wouldn’t be sitting here without that. You’re my hero, you are. You’ve been through so much and you’ve come out the other end a stronger man than I could’ve ever imagined. Dad would be so proud of you and mom too. And I’m so proud of the man you are, Sammy. I…” Dean took a deep breath. “I love you too.”

 

Sam swiped his cheek and gave Dean a hug. They pulled apart laughing and wiping away tears.

 

“Thank you both for opening up, I know it’s not easy.” Laura looked at Dean. “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss before you leave?”

 

Dean shook his head, wiping his nose. “Nope. I’m good.”

 

“Okay, well thank you.” They smiled at her and said goodbye.

 

Sam and Dean got into the Impala and Dean had a smile on his face and a sense of peace. “Thank you, Sammy for coming to this.”

 

“Thank you for inviting me.”

 

Dean went to start the car, but paused. “Sam, do you think that...that maybe you would ever want to do this again? I mean we don’t have to go to therapy, but you know Cas and I have been having talks and-”

 

“I’d like that.”

 

Dean smiled and then shook his head, starting the Impala. “Okay, enough of this chick flick crap.”

 

Sam laughed. “Jerk.”

 

“Bitch.” Dean laughed and pulled the car out on to the road.

 


	10. Session Ten: Wrapping Things Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will Dean handle his final session?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thanks to my awesome beta Wisonsenach for her continued help and support throughout this work. It means more than you could know. <3  
> And of course thank you to FortLauderTales for her never ending support through the emotional journey this took me on. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read this, commented, gave kudos or bookmarked. Can't tell you how much it means to me. 
> 
> No real big trigger warnings for this one. Some self-doubt Dean, as usual. Hope everyone likes where I left it.

****

Since their session, Sam and Dean had had a few more talks. They weren’t doing the daily thing that Dean and Cas were, but it still felt good. Dean was amazed at how comfortable all the talks made him. It was like they were filling a hole inside that he didn’t realize he had.

 

In between his talks with either Sam or Cas, the three actually got a hunt in. It was just a small nest of vamps, but it felt good to put his body back to work again and Dean welcomed the cuts and bruises that the hunt gave him.

 

It was two days before his next session, or his last session, and there was one thing hanging over his head. That damn homework assignment Laura had given him, write a letter to the dead. Dean was sitting in the library, a piece of paper in front of him. He just stared at the whiteness and the lines on the paper and willed his brain to start working again.

 

Dean wasn’t even sure who he wanted to write the letter to. He was trying to decide between his dad and his mom, although occasionally he thought of Bobby and others he’d lost. He shook his head and stood up, he couldn’t do this right now.

 

Dean went into the kitchen and decided to make himself a late night snack. He was putting the finishing touches on his midnight burger, when he heard Cas walk in. “Hello, Dean.”

 

Dean looked over his shoulder and smiled. “Hey, Cas.” They had already had their honesty chat earlier and Dean was hoping Cas wasn’t aiming for a second session. Dean took his plate and sat down. Cas glanced at his burger and Dean furrowed his brow. “Do you want one?”

 

Cas shook his head and smiled. “No, thank you.” Cas sat down across from Dean.

 

“So, what’s up Cas?” Dean took a generous bite of the juicy burger.

 

“I...I know that your last session is coming up and I just…” Cas pulled out an envelope from his trench coat and handed it to Dean. “I read that it was customary to give a card when someone completes something big.”

 

Dean’s mouth fell open and he stared down at the card. “You...you got me a card?”

 

Cas shrugged. “I wanted to congratulate you and...it just seemed like the human thing to do.”

 

Dean swallowed and blinked back the tears that were forming. He wiped his hands on a napkin and opened the card. The cover showed a bee with a goofy smile on it and it was holding a bunch of colorful balloons. The word “Congratulations!” was written across the top. Dean smiled and opened the card, briefly reading the words that Cas had wrote. Cas told him how proud he was to call Dean his friend and family. He told Dean that he felt honored that he was tasked with saving Dean from hell and that no matter what happened, he would never regret choosing him and Sam over his own family.

He looked up at Cas. “Thank you, Cas.”

 

Cas smiled and nodded. “Thank you for including me in your therapy.”

 

They sat in a comfortable silence as Dean finished his burger.

 

***

 

It was the day before his session and Dean still hadn’t written the letter yet. He was sitting on the floor in his room, his back propped up against his bed. He was holding a picture of his mom and trying to decide what to write and who to write it to. He supposed he could just blow it off. After all, he would be done after the next session, but he wanted to prove to Laura, Sam and Cas that he could do this. He could complete something that wasn’t a hunt or a mission.

 

A few minutes passed and Dean was still sitting there staring at the photo, when Sam knocked on the door. “Dean, can I come in?”

 

Dean cleared his throat and set the photo down by the bed. “Yeah.”

 

Sam walked in, carrying two cups of coffee. He had taken to bringing Dean coffee instead of beers now and as much as Dean protested, he appreciate the kindness. Sam offered him the cup and he took a seat in a chair across from him. “So, tomorrow is your last session?”

 

Dean nodded and wondered if Sam would be presenting him with a card as well. Dean wasn’t sure he could handle that. Sam leaned forward. “Are you glad that it’s over?”

 

Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, yeah on one hand I am, but...it’s weird. I was kind of getting used to it.” Dean took a sip of his coffee.

 

Sam chewed on the bottom of his lip and Dean knew that Sam was trying to figure out a way to ask Dean something. “What is it, Sammy?”

 

Sam shook his head. “It’s...nothing. I just wanted to see how you were doing.” Sam started to stand.

 

“Sammy, come on, aren’t we supposed to try to be  honest with each other?”

 

Sam sighed and turned back toward Dean. “Yeah, okay.” He sat back down in the chair and set his coffee down. “I really am amazed at how far you’ve come in such a short time. I mean, I know it hasn’t been easy and that there’s still a lot more you need to work through, but...I just…” Sam’s eyes took on a sheen and Dean knew he was fighting back tears. “...I want you to know that if you...if you want to keep going that I would support that.” Sam took a sip of his coffee, his hand shaking.

 

Dean looked down at his coffee. “Do you think I should keep it up?”

 

Sam was quiet for a moment and then he smiled. “Yes.”

 

Dean nodded. “I...I’ll think about it. That’s as much as I can do right now.”

 

“Oh, totally, I understand. I won’t kick you out or anything.”

 

“I know.” They sat in silence for a moment and then Dean glanced over at the photo. “I...I have a homework assignment for the last session and I haven’t done it yet.”

 

Sam chuckled softly. “Homework?”

 

“Yeah, I’m supposed to write a letter to someone I’ve lost.”

 

Sam grimaced and shook his head. “Yikes. That’s...wow.”

 

“I know.”

 

“So, have you decided who yet?”

 

Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean dad would make sense I guess.” Dean took a sip of his coffee.

 

Sam shook his head. “Dean, you should write it to the person you want to, not who ‘makes the most sense.’.”

 

Dean glanced over at the photo of his mom. Sam followed his gaze and smiled. “And I think you know who that is, Dean.”

 

“Yeah, I just thought that...I mean dad was there longer and…”

 

Sam held up his hand. “That doesn’t matter.”

 

Dean nodded and looked down. Sam got up and walked over to him. He patted Dean on the shoulder. “’Night, Dean.”

 

Dean looked up at him. “Goodnight, Sammy.”

 

Sam walked out of the room and Dean stood up. He looked at the photo one last time and then went over to a tiny desk in the corner of the room. He pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen and sat down.

 

***

Dean was sitting in the waiting area outside of Laura’s office. He had arrived early for the first time since the first session and he was already regretting it. His right foot was nervously tapping and he was gripping the letter he wrote like it was a life raft. He tried to distract himself with one of the many outdated magazines, but it wasn’t helping.

 

He glanced at the clock, five more minutes. He stood up and started to pace. He started to think about what Sam had said, about him continuing this. He tried to picture coming here week after week, the same magazines and that same slightly musty smell. He felt the smile creep across his lips before he had a chance to stop it. He shook his head and sat back down.

 

The five minute mark came and went and it was another three minutes before her office door opened. A young girl with long blonde hair walked out, her head turned down. It was obvious she had been crying and Dean tried not to look at her as she walked out.

 

Laura looked over at Dean and smiled. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

 

“No problem.”  Dean stood and walked into Laura’s office.

 

He glanced around, trying to take everything in and still wondering if he could come back. He took the water that Laura offered and leaned back on the couch.

 

Laura sat down, taking out her notebook and pen and went through her usual check in. And then she smiled. “How are you doing, Dean?”

 

“I’m good. I’m really actually pretty good.”

 

She nodded and took a note. “That’s good. And how are things with Sam since your session?”

 

“Better. We keep having talks, not as often as Cas and I, but we’re getting there.”

 

“I’m very proud of you Dean.”

 

“Thank you.” She glanced back down at her notebook and even though Dean had the letter in hand, there was a part of him that was praying she wouldn’t bring it up.

 

Laura glanced back up at him. “So, a couple of sessions back we discussed you writing a letter to someone you’ve lost.” No such luck. “Did you write a letter?”

 

Dean swallowed and pulled the folded up letter from his pocket. He showed it to her and then set it in his lap. “Good. And how did that feel, Dean?”

 

“It was weird at first, but...I don’t know. I mean it’s probably poorly structured.” He let out a nervous laugh.

 

“Remember Dean, that doesn’t matter.” He nodded. “So, may I ask who you wrote it to?”

 

He let out a breath and glanced down at the letter. “My mom.”

 

She nodded. “Good. Now, you don’t have to, but do you want to read it?”

 

Dean bit his bottom lip and wiped his hands on his jeans. “I…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened them again and held the letter. “I don’t know.”

 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to. The important thing is that you did it.”

 

Dean felt his heart beating faster as he continued to look at the letter. “I...I want to read it.”

 

She looked so proud that Dean wanted to blush.. “Okay. I’ll just be here to listen.”

 

“Okay.” He let out a breath, unfolded the letter and tried to stop his hands from shaking.

 

 _“Dear Mom, I…”_ Dean cleared his throat. “Sorry, I just I need some water.” Laura nodded and watched as Dean took a big gulp of water. He let out a breath and nodded. He continued to read. “ _I’ve been sitting here in my room just looking at a picture I have of you when I was a kid and trying to figure out what to say to you. I don’t know if you would recognize the man I have become and it scares me sometimes to think about what you would think of me.”_ Dean swallowed and tugged at the hem of his jeans. _“I used to pray to you when I was younger. I thought maybe you were watching over us and could somehow help us.”_

 

Dean shifted in his seat. _“But I stopped when I learned that those prayers would go unanswered. I don’t know if you know what happened to us after you died, but I hope you know that we, Sammy and I, helped to save a lot of people. I think you’d be proud of that. And Dad did too. He loved you so much Mom. I know that your marriage wasn’t always easy, but you were and are the love of his life.”_ Dean paused for a moment and then continued. _“I hope he’s up there with you and that you two are sitting on the porch of our home in Kansas, sipping beers and just being happy. You both deserve that. You deserve that peace Mom.”_

 

 _“I know that the life Sammy and I have is not the one you envisioned for us and I’m truly sorry for that. I wish I could go back in time and somehow save you from that day. But I guess that’s what I’ve been trying to do since I was four, save you. Save all of us.”_ Dean blinked away the tears. _“Sammy is...well, he’s very tall. Almost like a moose.”_ Dean let out a small laugh. _“You’d be proud of him mom. He’s turned into an amazing man and I need to realize that and let him be an adult.”_ Dean took a sip of water and licked his lips. _“I’m trying to become a better man too. I even started to go to therapy, something I never thought I would say.”_ Dean let out a little laugh and glanced up at Laura. She smiled. Dean cleared his throat and continued. _“There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about you. You were my sunshine and I miss you more than I could ever say. I hope that one day I can see you and Dad again and we can share a beer or a slice of pie. And I hope that when that day comes you can look at me and tell me that you’re proud of the man I’ve become.”_ Dean wiped away a tear. “ _I love you, Mom. All my love, Dean.”_

 

Dean folded up the letter and held it for a moment before putting it back in his pocket. He glanced up at Laura, she smiled. “Thank you for sharing that, Dean.”

 

Dean nodded and wiped his eyes. “How did that feel, reading it out loud?”

 

“Weird...but helpful.” Dean wiped his hands on his jeans and let out a sigh.

 

“Do you think you’d want to write more letters?”

 

Dean glanced toward the window and thought about it for a minute. He looked back at her and nodded. “Yes.”

 

She smiled and placed her hands on her legs. “I think that’s great Dean. I think you’ll find that it will help you.”

 

He nodded. “So, this is our last session, Dean.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“How does that feel?”

 

He shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

 

“Dean, how does it really feel?”

 

Dean ran his hand over his face and leaned his head back. “Scary.”

 

“What are you afraid of?”

 

“That I’ll...that I’ll just...I just don’t know what to do with all this...this crap that is coming up. And I’m just scared that I’ll let them down.”

 

“Sam and Cas?”

 

He nodded. “Them and the world.” He let out a chuckle and then he looked down at his hands. “And myself.”

 

“Let’s talk about that some.” She crossed her legs and opened her notebook. “How do you feel you would let yourself down?”

 

Dean glanced toward the plant in the corner. “I just...I try to think of myself as this hero or whatever and really I’m just this fucked up guy who’s just trying to be a man.” He shook his head and looked at her. “And coming here I’ve had to really look at myself and show myself and I’m afraid that I’ll just let the walls come back up and that they’ll suffocate me again.”

 

She nodded and closed the notebook, setting it down on her desk. “That’s understandable, Dean. We really only just started and you’ve done some incredibly hard work in a very short period of time.” Dean looked at her. “It’s going to be scary to face the world with these things uncovered inside you.”

 

He chewed his lip and glanced down at the floor. “I...could I…” He looked up, took a deep breath, and prepared to ask the question that terrified him. “I don’t suppose it’d be possible to continue doing...doing this?”

 

A look of shock and joy crossed her face briefly and Dean felt a warmth in his chest. “Yes, of course it is.”

 

“Do you think that would be a good idea?”

 

“Yes, Dean, I do, but not because you’re bad or wrong. Because you’re hurt and have been for a long time. I think you deserve the chance to heal.”

 

Dean felt his chin quivering. “You do?”

 

“Yes. You’re a good man, Dean, no matter what you might tell yourself. And doing this, coming here, it’s a gift to you, whether or not you realize that.”

 

“I hadn’t really thought of it that way.”

 

“Like I told you before, it’s brave and courageous.” She nodded and grabbed the notebook again. “So, do you want to continue with weekly sessions then?”

 

He smiled and nodded. “Yeah, for now.”

 

“Okay, Dean. We’ll continue.”

 

Dean smiled and felt a ray of hope that he didn’t even think was possible. Turned out therapy was the best fucking thing to happen to him in years.

 

They finished their tenth session and Laura told him she would see him next week. Dean got into the Impala and looked at his reflection in the rear view mirror. “You did good.” He winked and started the car. He pulled out on to the road humming along to the radio. A feeling of hope filling him up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading this. I relate to Dean on a very personal level and at times feel he speaks the words my soul can't always say, so writing this was quite the emotional journey for me. Remember to Always Keep Fighting! I love my SPNFamily! 
> 
> Also, I am thinking about possible writing some f/u one shots for this, perhaps more letters that Dean writes. Any feedback on that is welcome. :)
> 
> Edited to add: So, I decided to turn this into a series. Not sure yet how long it will go, but feel free to let me know if there is anything you want me to tackle. <3


End file.
